
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/4556874.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Supernatural
  Relationship:
      Castiel/Dean_Winchester
  Character:
      Castiel, Dean_Winchester, Sam_Winchester, Gabriel_(Supernatural), Michael
      (Supernatural), Lucifer_(Supernatural), Chuck_(mentioned)
  Additional Tags:
      Parent/Child_Incest, Past_Child_Abuse, Sexual_Abuse, Good_Big_Brother
      Michael, Good_Big_Brother_Gabriel, Good_Big_Brother_Lucifer, Angels_as
      Novaks, Hurt_Castiel, Flashbacks, tons_of_flashbacks, Physical_Abuse,
      Social_Anxiety, Triggers, Chuck_is_a_Bad_Father, Broken_Castiel, WIP,
      Just_Testing_the_waters_with_this_one, Other_Additional_Tags_to_Be_Added,
      Isolation, Protective_Dean_Winchester, Slow_Burn, I_am_a_piece_of_literal
      shit, Naive_Castiel, High_School, Implied/Referenced_Incest, Implied/
      Referenced_Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced_Child_Abuse, Childhood_Sexual
      Abuse, Childhood_Trauma, Castiel-centric, Holy_Crap_Dean_is_Actually
      Comfortable_with_his_Bisexuality, POV_Alternating, Not_a_Feel_Good_fic_to
      begin_with, So_much_angst, Mental_Instability, Mental_Anguish,
      Dissociation, Forced_Drinking, Forced_Orgasm, Eventual_Happy_Ending,
      Child_Sexual_Abuse_is_not_used_as_Kink
  Stats:
      Published: 2015-08-12 Updated: 2015-09-03 Chapters: 5/? Words: 26773
****** Beautiful Remains ******
by Castielchester
Summary
     Castiel was his favorite, he always said, and this was how he showed
     him how much he loved him.
     The first fourteen years of Castiel's life are spent being told that
     he is too sick to leave the house or be around his brothers for too
     long; forced to comply at the perverted hands of his father.
     This summary is terrible, I am obsessed with good big brother Novaks
     and protective Dean.
     NOT abandoned, Back after December!
Notes
     I already have a lot of chapters wrote out BUT I am only posting this
     to see if it is received well, if not I will delete it. Just wanting
     to see if it's something you all want to see more of.
     WARNINGS: This story will revolve around Castiel being sexually
     abused and isolated by his father for most of his life. Flashbacks
     will be in italics if you would like to skip the scenes THAT CAN GET
     GRAPHIC.
     But uh other than that enjoy. No Beta. Mistakes are mine.
***** Exordium *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
‘Why don’t you come over here, Cas baby, come sit on daddy’s lap.’ The raven
haired boy stumbles forward from his hiding spot in the kitchen, moving
hesitantly until he could climb onto his father’s lap. He nestled on top of the
man’s legs folding his own criss cross and placing his hands on his thighs. He
released a slow breath and peered at the movie all of his brothers were
engrossed in; some flick about a man that was also a spider.  He could smell
his father’s distinct musk, whiskey and pine spice; it was comforting as it was
unsettling. Castiel loved his father, his father favored him among all the
others. His father called him beautiful, told him he was his most prized
possession; that he was the prettiest angel ever. Castiel shifted slightly as
his father runs a large calloused hand down his arm, slow, causing the rising
of gooseflesh. This is okay, Castiel knows this is how fathers show their love
and his father liked to show him a lot. His father absently takes a swig of the
beer in his other hand, leaving his right to trail down Castiel’s back,
stopping at the hem of his shirt and diving underneath so his fingers can flick
up and caress his spine. Castiel feels a bit shaky but his father whispers
gentle blessings into his ear, breath hitting Castiel’s cheek and leaving the
smell of alcohol. He flattens his palm and runs it up Castiel’s back toward his
neck messaging for a moment and then trailing back down with only a slight
scratch of his finger nails. Castiel can feel something hard poking into his
bottom and he knows his father his pleased with him. He almost chokes out as
fingers trail down and dip into his sweats barely nudging the cleft of his
bottom. ‘Castiel, would you like to go make popcorn with me?’ The sudden voice
of his brother Michael is unexpected and causes him to jump and the hand to fly
off of his body and rest awkwardly aside. Michael is glaring at father. Castiel
smiles because he likes being with his brothers, nodding he jumps up and into
the kitchen. Michael casts one last accusatory look at father before he turns
away.
===============================================================================
 
“Cassie, Cassie get your ass up!” The amiable groan of Gabriel is not what
wakes him but the sudden assault of cold air as his blankets are tore from his
body. “Gaaaaaabe” Castiel usually isn’t one to whine but the sun isn’t even
flashing through the windows and goddamn when did it get so cold?  “Cassie,
it’s time to get ready for school” and with that Castiel’s mood shifts, his
stomach ices over and he slowly sits up. Oh yeah school…
Gabriel must sense his mood shift and smiles sympathetically, “You’ll get used
to the whole time thing,” he knows that’s not the problem but it helps to avoid
the elephant in the room. “Thank you Gabriel, I suppose I should tend to
getting ready now” Castiel runs his fingers through his unruly hair and heads
for his wardrobe. He’s picked out a simple outfit, never having to dress for
school before, he had settled on a nice suit but Lucifer had chuckled and told
him high school was not the occasion, so after his shower he pulls on black
jeans and a long-sleeved dark blue and black striped shirt.
He quickly finishes his other tasks, brushing his teeth and making his bed,
before he goes to the door to continue downstairs where he can hear the bustle
of his brothers. Castiel freezes with his hand on the knob, sighing deeply; his
father’s voice ringing in the back of his head
 
'School is dangerous for people like you angel, that’s why I keep you home,
with me, nice and safe'
 
Castiel shakes his head as if to rattle the voice loose and continues out and
down to the kitchen, the scene that greets him succeeds in making him feel
somewhat warm and content despite his anxiety. Michael stands at the stove
flipping pancakes, Lucifer next to him buttering toast, wearing a ridiculous
apron that donned a picture of the devil holding a spatula.
Castiel peers over to see Gabriel squeezing an ungodly amount of chocolate
sauce into milk as Lucifer occasionally glares at him and mutters things about
diabetes and blood sugar. Castiel shakes his head because no matter how
impossible his brothers can be, he loves them more than anything.
Michael is setting a plate of pancakes on the table when he finally spies
Castiel who has unintentionally pressed himself against the opening frame of
the kitchen, hiding half of his body, much like he did when he was younger and
didn’t want to disturb their father. “Castiel” he smiles and ignores the
flinch, “Come get some breakfast.” The youngest Novak nods a tad and moves to
sit in his seat, eyes down as Michael makes his plate. It is true that his
brothers baby him more than normal, they watch over him almost obsessively,
caring for him as if he were a glass vase, ready to shatter at any moment.Too
bad, Castiel twitched his lip sadly,  I’m already broken.
 
                                      ♢ 
 
Michael and Lucifer, being Castiel's legal guardians now, had already discussed
it the night before, they would drive the boys to school as to keep Castiel’s
anxiety at bay for as long as possible but, as the raven haired boy went to
pick up his book bag, Lucifer can see his fingers digging into his palm.
Gabriel is shoving things into Castiel’s bookbag as Lucifer pushes his twin
aside and sighs, “He’s scared shitless Mikey...can’t...can’t we wait for
another day or so?” Michael sighs but shakes his head firmly, he’s just as
worried as Lucifer but he can’t let that get the better of him, Castiel has to
go to school, there was no argument about it. “Luce, I know you’re worried but
he needs to go to school. We can’t keep him from an education. I know it’s not
ideal but we just can’t afford homeschooling any longer and if we delay it, it
will just get harder for him” his blue eyes plead for understanding as Lucifer
nods eventually, “I know...I just hate seeing him like this.” Michael sighs and
forces a smile, walking over to where Castiel is listening to Gabriel babble on
about courses and whatnot. “Alright little hoodlums, let’s get you out!” He
tries to sound amiable and enthusiastic, ushering them towards the car. Castiel
looks around, taking in the crisp morning air; the sun is just barely peeking
up and casting a pinkish color across the sky. He doesn’t leave the house too
often but when he does he always remembers to take in the scenery. Castiel
shudders as he remembers what his father used to say when he would ask to join
his brothers outside;
 
'There are bad people out there angel, bad people that want to take you away.
I’m only doing what’s best. You'll be healthy soon.'
 
“Cassie” fingers are snapping in front of his face and he is pulled back to
reality to very worried looking brothers, “S-Sorry” his voice is barely above a
whisper as he climbs into the car and buckles himself up while the others
exchanged worried glances.
By the time they reach Lawrence High, Castiel has four more crescent shaped
scars dug into his palm.
The parking lot is full of cars and students all carelessly bunched into small
or large groups; Castiel swallows hard, they all have their cliques, they’ve
all known each other for years, and here he is, the only friends he’s ever
known are his brothers. Castiel makes it a mission to walk as quickly as he can
to the office, walking close enough to Michael’s back that when he stops
Castiel rams into him. “Sorry-sorry” he mumbles out as Michael waves him off
and they continue until they’re standing in the main office. A kind looking
girl is perched behind the desk and quickly turns her attention to Michael,
“Hello Michael! What brings you in? Gabriel couldn’t have screwed up again so
soon?” Castiel feels a sudden contempt towards this woman when she speaks about
one of his brothers, but the way they all laugh, including Gabriel, stifles
Castiel’s anger; he never could pick up on sarcasm.
“No not for Gabey here today. I’m here to bring my little brother in for his
first day, this is Castiel” He moves aside from where Castiel had strategically
hid himself behind his older brother, “H-hello” Castiel manages out as the girl
smiles brightly and flicks her red hair, “Hello Castiel! My name is Charlie!
It’s so nice to finally meet you, let me grab your schedule and get you on your
way! We are so glad to have you here!” She’s so overly enthusiastic that
Castiel almost rolls his eyes, but he twitches his lip and nods, waiting.
When he receives his schedule it all becomes real, Michael and Lucifer are
saying their goodbyes, “Okay Castiel, everything is going to be fine, just keep
with Gabe and it will all be okay, and if anything goes wrong just text me and
I will come right away, I promise and-” Michael is pulled from his babbling by
Gabriel mentioning the warning bell, Michael smiles at Castiel and squeezes his
shoulder, Castiel gives him a small smile and presses two fingers against
Michael’s palm as if to say, It will be okay. I will be okay. Lucifer is next,
smiling, holding his hand up so Castiel will put his against it, that is how
they hug when Lucifer knows everything is too much, “You’ll do great.” With
that the eldest Novaks are off, leaving the youngest Novak's to scamper out
into the thinning hallways.
Castiel’s schedule shows that he will have English Comp. first so Gabriel shows
him to the classroom just as the bell rings. Gabriel stands in front of Castiel
who is trembling now and looking half faint. “Hey...hey, it’s going to be okay
Cassie, I’ll be right outside this classroom as soon as it ends okay?” Gabriel
assures, Castiel nods and swallows, not looking convinced, “You’re the smartest
kid ever Castiel, you can do this.” Castiel nods and God they are all going to
be so disappointed because he really doesn’t feel like he can do it as he sees
him walk toward his own classroom.
Castiel has never been without his brothers, so as he enters the classroom and
literally fucking hears the rooms fall silent he can feel his composure start
to crack. The teacher looks up with a smile and walks forward motioning for him
to stand in the front, “Hello! You must be the new student! My name is Ms.
Harvelle! Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Castiel’s eyes widen, his brother
hadn’t informed him of this, he looks toward the students who are staring
quietly and then back at the teacher. She must see the look of confusion so she
prompts him, “Why don’t you start with your name?” He wishes in this moment he
could run out of the room and back home. Wishes he could dive underneath the
covers and scream and scream until he falls into blissful unconsciousness and
oh, he’s supposed to be speaking right now, not standing there mute.
“M-my name is C-Castiel Novak” he nods a tad as for confirmation, and fixes his
eyes back on the teacher as she smiles sympathetically, “What a beautiful name”
she comments but the others don’t seem to agree because there's an eruption of
giggles and sneers; so Castiel inhales deeply and takes the walk of shame to
the back of the classroom, almost losing his footing and crashing into the
ground as a leg is held out with the intention of tripping him.
He awkwardly drops into his seat, setting his book bag down on the floor and
grabbing out his notebook and pencil to set on the desk just like Gabriel had
told him; you have to at least try to make it look like you’re learning.
Castiel frowns to himself because he knows that's most likely what Gabriel
actually does and is why Michael is always on him for such low marks on tests;
he, however, enjoys learning, but he had a lot more when he could do it from
the safety of his own home. Castiel peers down at the table which is etched
with profanity and crude drawings that make his heart clench with sadness and
debilitating fear. The classroom seemed entirely too small to hold the sweaty,
pubescent bodies within, the tables all in close proximity that Castiel could
just feel the eyes on him. He knows he isn't a normal teenager, knows deep
within his heart that he doesn't belong out here with all the perfectly sane
humans that have no idea what it's like to be a prisoner in their own minds,
plagued by memories and phantom sicknesses. 
'You're sick Castiel. I know you might feel fine but there's something inside
of you, only I know how to make it all better okay? Now come here, come lay
down with me.'
Castiel shakes his head, bringing his fingers to run through his hair, ruffling
it up worse, but not caring in the least. Out of the corner of his eye he
catches a glimpse of green, brilliant green, turning to face the magnificent
color he is face to face with another student, whose eyes are trained carefully
on his own, for a moment Castiel finds himself lost within the gems but quickly
averts his eyes when he hears the teacher drop a book on her desk. The raven
haired boy feels his face heat up, painted in his vision are those irises, that
seem to compliment every part of the handsome boy next to him. "My name is Dean
Winchester" He whispers waiting for a moment but not receiving a reaction,
"Like the gun" he adds quickly.
Castiel looks up to him, tilting his head and squinting in the way he does when
he's confused, he's never really been into guns, so he'll have to take green
eyes word for it. Castiel finds his tongue lying limp in his mouth, refusing to
work and give the poor boy next to him at least some kind of greeting; his
hands shake in his lap and feel clammy. He's not used to talking to new people,
not at all, and for a fleeting second he is worried that perhaps he has a fever
but shakes his fathers thoughts from his head. "C-Castiel Novak..." He forces
out, worrying his lip and then shaking his head, "Like nothing..." He feels
entirely too embarrassed to look up as Dean chuckles, "No. Like the angel" he
whispers back, the word piercing Castiel like ice covered needles. 

'You're my little angel Castiel. Yes you are. My pretty, little angel.'
Castiel shakes his head and is about to deny it but the bell screeches, causing
him to jump and look about rapidly for the fire, but all he sees are students
filing out in a bored fashion, "Whoa dude!" Dean's voice is huskier without the
guise of a whisper, "It's just the bell, you look like you've never been to
school before" he chuckles, running a hand through his sandy hair, watching
Castiel closely as he gathers his pack up. "I-uh...I haven't, Dean" He bites
the inside of his cheek, he already feels exhausted and it's only second bell.
Dean, in turn, gives him the questioning look as they both walk into the
hallway, Castiel shrinking as close to the wall as possible and fishing out his
schedule, "I've b-been home-schooled my whole life...this is all new" he
informs the boy next to him, looking over his schedule futilely, stopping as
Gabriel strides forward, "Castiel hey," he's biting on a candy bar as he smiles
toward his little brother and then looks to Dean, "Jesus Winchester, already
corrupting him? Careful, Lucifer is my brother and you know what he's capable
of" He grins impishly. 
Dean looks sheepishly at Castiel and then Gabriel, "He's your brother? That's
impossible!" He throws out as Gabriel scans Castiel's classes, "Why's that
Dean-o?" Castiel watches Dean and his brother interact, taking in the
smattering of freckles on the taller boys face that seem to contrast perfectly
with his cheekbones. "Because he's cool and you're completely insufferable."
With that Gabriel laughs out loud, narrowing his eyes at the Winchester,
"Insufferable? Has Sam been giving you vocabulary lessons? I'm impressed!" They
joke back and forth, leaving Castiel to balance on his two feet and wait
patiently; he grips both straps of his book bag that rests on his back and
stares at the ground, trying to memorize the prompt for Ms. Harvelle's upcoming
essay.
The hallways flood back and forth with teenagers, yelling and laughing, it all
is completely overwhelming and once again Castiel finds himself longing to be
curled up under his bed-sheets, safe from the world. He closes his eyes and
counts, breathing in and out rhythmically as to calm himself down and he's
almost completely relaxed when a tall body comes bounding up next to him,
placing a rough hand on his back, "You must be Castiel!" His voice is so
amiable, but Castiel can't see for fear of passing out if he moves even an
inch, all he can do is remember hands.
Rough, calloused hands running over his bare flesh, the grip strong on his
shoulders as he is held in place. The tremors start in his own hands as his
heart beats rapidly against his chest, making his mind fog and his vision
unfocused, as he gasps out in desperate need of a nice, quiet place, "Castiel
this is my little brother Samm-Castiel?" The voices around him are beginning to
sound worried, Castiel wishes he could wave them off and tell them not to worry
of him, but Gabriel is quickly grabbing his shoulders and guiding him to a
deserted area of the student lounge, forcing him to sit on the bench. "Deep
breaths Cassie, c'mon, no worries, just breathe" he instructs, breathing along
with him till Castiel's vision clears and his hands only shake slightly. 
Castiel looks up to his brother's worried, whiskey colored eyes, "Cassie, are
you okay?" Castiel nods and forces a weak smile, "Sorr-y about that Gabe, He
just... gave me a scare. I'm okay" Gabriel looks unconvinced but nods anyway,
"So, your next class is Biochem, this way" he guides him gently.
                                      ♢ 
Castiel quickly learns that Dean Winchester is in most of his classes, albeit
being in the same grade as Gabriel; he doesn't apply himself, Sam, Dean's
brother, tells him. Castiel finds himself more at ease around Dean, and, for
the most part, around Sam as well. They both sit in French class, although
Castiel is near fluent, talking, mostly Dean, about anything. "So Cas. I'm
going to call you that okay? What do you do?" He asks when their teacher
announces he has finished for the day. Castiel flusters quickly, knowing he
really doesn't do much. "I-I write sometimes..." he quirks a small smile as
Dean gives him a wide one, "That's cool. Maybe I could read sometime, yeah?" He
is leaning back in his chair so he is only on two legs, Castiel wishes to tell
him it is dangerous, instead he just nods, "Perhaps." 
The end of the day finds Castiel exhausted mentally, in all sense of the word,
as Dean, his new official guide when Gabriel is unavailable, walks with him to
the exit doors. "T-Thank you Dean for helping me today" Castiel smiles at him,
ducking his head as Dean flashes another amazing smile, "What are friends for?"
He replies and Castiel feels a warmth spread throughout him. Dean wants to be
my friend. Dean is my friend. I have a friend. "Okay" Castiel feels himself
smile a little more as he waves his goodbye and clamors in Michael's Honda next
to Gabriel. They buckle up before Michael speaks up, "How was it?" Castiel
knows it's directed towards him but Gabriel blabbers on until Lucifer tells him
to shut it and looks toward Castiel worriedly, "I believe...It went well"
Castiel thinks and then nods towards his protective older brothers who give him
small smiles and leave him be to process his day. 
Finally home, Castiel drops his bag and swaps his jeans for pajama pants and a
loose shirt, falling on top of his sheets, mulling over his day. He'd gotten by
without much incident, but he feels that continuing is too good to be true so
he doesn't let himself become hopeful that he may just fit in. He shakes his
head and switches to his, friend, Dean Winchester, with his spruce eyes and
award winning smile, who wants to be friends with me. Castiel finds a small
buzz in his chest to feel quite content, it's not the usual coil of anxiety but
something...hopeful? He presses his face into his pillow as he imagines the
smell of leather and motor oil that intoxicated him the entire day, he wouldn't
mind drowning in that smell that was totally, irrevocably Dean. 
He lets his mind focus on the lines and muscle that seem to make up Dean,
imagining what it would be like to be enveloped in his strong arms, away from
the past. He feels a new dizzying heat, one he hasn't felt in a long, long time
and it isn't until the heat coils around his belly that he shoots up in horror,
realizing belatedly that he is actually hard, achingly so. He feels contempt
and disgust unfurl in his body, surging through his veins and making bile rise
in his throat. Anger at himself for letting such a thing happen, for thinking
about Dean in such a way that he was not supposed to be. Castiel shakes his
head, willing his erection down, stifling a scream in his throat, nothing seems
to help, his body hellbent on some kind of release. Castiel shoots off his bed,
anger at himself and the world coursing through his body as he tugs at tufts of
his hair, knocks over his nightstand, something to will his body compliant
again. 
It isn't until he looks down at his hands, focusing on the way the fingers on
his right seem a bit crooked and strange, that he feels himself come to,
remembering the words of his father. He stares at his unshapely fingers for
what seems like hours until his erection is gone and his belly is replaced with
a sickening memory. 
No. He could not allow Dean to come that close again.
===============================================================================
 
All kinds of things were happening to Castiel’s body. He wasn’t sure what it
was, his father had never let him take any biology books or anatomy courses, so
he was a bit frightened. His skin felt more sensitive, especially around his
groin area. He was used to his father rubbing his hands down there but he never
had a reaction. This morning, though, Castiel had awoken to an uncomfortable
tightness in his Marvel pajama pants. He shifted a little, not sure what he was
supposed to do about it. When he fully awakes from his grogginess he feels it
tenfold, a pulsing heat that made his little prick twitch. He looked around to
tell his father about it but he was nowhere to be found, so Castiel found
himself closing his eyes and hoping it would just stop soon. But it didn’t, it
got worse and he found himself unconsciously hovering his hand over his crotch,
almost like instinct. He let himself suffer a little while longer before he lay
his palm flat on his crotch, mewling out a tad when his over-sensitive area
flares at contact. It felt wonderful! Castiel hurriedly starts palming at his
hard member, feeling the electricity move throughout, putting him on the edge
but unfortunately not allowing him any further. He let out a low whine when it
began to ache, this causing him to act purely on instinct, pulling his pants
down and rubbing his little hands all over his cock. He worked at it clumsily,
palming and rubbing till it hurt, letting out whines and cries the entire time.
Through Castiel’s cries he did not hear someone enter the room, and it’s not
until his wrist is gripped harshly that he opens his eyes and looks up with a
gasp. His father stands over him, anger etching every line of his face. “F-
Father?” it was barely a whisper but just that seemed to elicit more anger from
the man as he jerks Castiel toward him by his hand, “And just what do you think
you’re doing young man?” he was loud and accusatory, the tone he used when
Castiel had done something wrong, this causes Castiel’s stomach to sour. He
didn’t like disobeying his father. “I-I…” Castiel wasn’t sure how to answer
because he wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing. “I’ve told you boy” his
father hissed, looking down at Castiel’s slender fingers, “No one. No one is
allowed to touch you,” he grabs a hold of the young boy’s pointer finger and
pushes it back, back, CRACK! The breath catches in Castiel’s throat and his
eyes blow wide, he wants to scream but he can’t because father keeps talking,
“Not even you Castiel” he moves on to the middle finger, going slower this
time, letting Castiel yelp out a noise of utter pain as his other finger is
broke back. “You’re mine” CRACK! there goes his ring finger. “Only mine” and
last his pinky. Castiel feels his breath hitch and tears spill down his face as
he watches his fingers swell and purple maddeningly. "Do you understand? No one
can touch you. Not you or anyone else ever. Do I make myself clear?" He growls,
reaching down and tightening his hand around the boy's member, squeezing enough
to elicit a yelp of pain from Castiel who feels his eyes water and nods
quickly, "Yes, Sir!" 
 
Chapter End Notes
     SO, this is shit and I am shit; BUT If you want to see it continued
     let me know. Thanks for reading it mortals.
     I'm aiming for flashbacks to start each chapter and end each
***** Anthem Of The Angels *****
Chapter Summary
     Castiel is still haunted by his past but finds himself head first in
     a friendship with the Winchester's and feeling the walls he's
     struggled so hard to keep up slowly crumble.
Chapter Notes
     Well, people actually like it! Wow! Thanks guys, I'm really honored
     to have awesome readers like you! As promised here's more. Again
     ITALICS are GRAPHIC depictions of child sexual abuse and in this
     chapter graphic non-con oral sex. A little bit of establishing
     Destiel fluff tho! Yey!
     Enjoy! Let me know if you want more!
     (This chapter involves a little of Castiel dissociating, which is one
     way a person could cope with past traumas, it can block out memories,
     identity etc. I experience this from time to time, I have BPD, and so
     I'm just going off of my experiences, although it's different for
     everyone. Although what Castiel is going through is more of
     Dissociative amnesia which is common with sexual abuse survivors)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
 
===============================================================================
 
Castiel woke up covered in sweat, soaked through his night shirt and pajama
pants, his stomach rolling tremulously. He trembled as he turned to face his
sleeping father in their bed, his father had explained that it would be safer
for him if they shared a room. As Castiel moves he distinctly feels more
wetness between his legs, realizing, belatedly, that he had wet the bed. His
bottom lip wobbles as he gathers the front of his shirt and nibbles on the
collar of it, too afraid to wake up his father for fear of punishment. Castiel
had thought he was getting better, feeling better, but then his father had
given him those pills and now… “What are you doing up angel?” he is shook from
his thoughts by his father opening his fatigued eyes and looking at him
suspiciously, making Castiel tremble harder, but he knew it would be worse if
he didn’t answer, “Daddy I… I had an accident.” He winced at the words because
he’s seven, a big boy, he shouldn’t be doing this. His father raises an eyebrow
looking at Castiel’s sweaty forehead down to the dark spot between his legs,
“It’s okay Castiel. You’re sick. Things like this happen” His voice is steady,
almost far away, shaking Castiel from his fear filled thoughts and looking at
his father surprised. He doesn’t turn on the light, so only the moon
spills luminescence through the window, guiding his father’s way to grab a
small wash cloth, dampening it and climbing back on the bed, hovering over
top Castiel who looked up his father with wide eyes. The little boy felt the
scrape of his father’s knuckles against his protruding hipbones as he took the
elastic of his pajama pants in each hand and slowly peeled them down, watched
the way his eyes seem to deepen as Castiel’s cock is freed, seeming to savor
the small whimper that escaped the boy when he feels cold air hit the wet,
sensitive skin of his groin. His father pulled the pants down all the way and
threw them to the floor near the hamper, taking the cloth and first wiping the
sweat from his son’s head, “You have a fever again… I’ll have to pick up more
pills for you” he is seemingly talking to himself but Castiel wants to cry out
because those pills are what made him feel bad in the first place, “But Dad-”
he is cut off by his father pressing his lips down on his own, pulling back
after a quick moment, “Shh, I’ll make you feel better okay? Do you want special
kisses?” Castiel didn’t really, but, he liked to see his father happy so he
just quietly nodded, flopping his hair in his eyes as his father reached back
down and gently runs his tongue across his bottom lip, coaxing Castiel to drop
his mouth open for him. After a moment of kissing his father reaches back up,
taking Castiel’s little cock in his hand and smiling, “Here we go.”
 
===============================================================================
 
“Cas-ti-el!” He is pulled from his head by the worrisome pronunciation of his
name, face to face with Michael holding a plate of food. “Eh. Sorry. What?”
Castiel scrunches his brows and tries to expel the syrupy feeling in his head,
it makes his thoughts feel heavy and they happen in slow motion. He wonders how
long he’d been sitting here on the couch, just staring at the blank TV,
remembering. He’d tries so hard to convince himself the past is in the past and
could no longer hurt him but his brain never seems to get the news. “Castiel!”
He jerks back up again, looking at his brother sheepishly, he’d zoned out
again. “Sorry Michael, I’m just-I’m tired” He pulls himself from the spot on
the couch, throwing a small smile toward his older brother and tries to walk to
his room. Bed. Sleep. Yes.  “Now, wait a minute!” He doesn’t hear the voice,
only feels the hand clutch at his wrist, trying to pull him back; he knows,
knows his brother would never do anything intentionally to hurt him but his
brain has a way of short circuiting at the worst times, making a habit of
forcing unwarranted thoughts and memories into light when least expected.
 
'Don’t you dare walk away from me young man, I willmakeyou wish you had never
even tried.'
 
Castiel can feel the beating of tears behind his eyes and the phantom sting of
a hand to his face as he twists in the hold, “No! Don’t touch me!” he vaguely
registers that his, typically, low voice has gone up a few octaves as he
accidentally flails out and knocks the plate from Michael’s hand, coming back
to as the sound of ceramic shattering on wood reverberates throughout his
bones. He’s pulling back so hard that the moment he is released he falls on his
butt, staring down at the broken plate with wide eyes, his chest heaving
quickly, silence filling the room for a minute before he finally scrambles over
and begins picking up the pieces of the plate, “Oh god Michael, I’m so sorry.
I-I didn’t mean to break it, I thought- I wasn’t- I didn’t. I’m sorry” he
babbles out quickly until a gentle hand is placed on his own, forcing him to
look up to his brother, who's worried look makes him feel worse, “Cas. It’s
okay. Stop, it’s okay. Just calm down a moment, okay bud?” His voice is full of
concern as he helps the youngest Novak to his feet, “Are you okay Castiel?
Because if anything is… if you’re feeling overwhelmed or anything we can-”
Michael is struggling with the right words, pressing his lips together as
Castiel stops him, “I-I’m okay Mike. I just…was scared and just…I’m... sorry I
broke the plate” He forces a small smile, nodding and backing up slowly, “It’s
okay Cas. No worries okay? Just… let me know if things get too much okay?”
Castiel nods again and retreats back to his room, pressing the door shut and
placing his forehead against it, taking in steady breaths.
 
'Come here Castiel, why don’t you let me make it better. You know you love it.
I know you do.'
 
He doesn’t want to be assaulted by thoughts and memories right now, he doesn’t
want to think about anything, like the way his brothers tiptoe around him and
act like he’s a bomb ready to go off, or how other people look at him like he’s
some kind of foreign being that’s not from earth, and he especially doesn’t
want to think about Dean Winchester and his beautiful green eyes and bright
smile that seems to reach inside of him and penetrate every bit of darkness.
Yeah. He doesn’t want to think about that. But he's never been one to get what
he wants, so pressing there against the door an ambush of memories play behind
his eyelids, as if they were permanently seared there, stuck like broken video
reel, doomed to repeat over and over for the rest of eternity.
 
'You’re mine Castiel. Don’t forget that. I own you Castiel, I own you.'
 
He scurries over to his bed, taking the picture of his brothers, him and their
father off his desk and setting it in the drawer, closing it, settling himself
in between the desk and his bed, wedged in the corner. He draws his knees up to
his chest and runs his hands in his hair, weaving his fingers through the short
locks as he lays his forehead on his knees; with a silent prayer he begs every
thought away, shoving memories, faces and himself far to the crypts of his mind
as he allows the darkness within him to poke out and engulf him, blinding out
his eyes and deafening his ears; the abyss that slowly itches underneath his
skin is oozing out and promising safety within it’s arms. He sits there until
he can’t really remember how to move, staring straight into the blackness that
has bathed him his entire life, blissfully ignorant to the thoughts in his own
head now that they seem to be blocked by an invisible wall. He feels his body
go slack, not remembering who he is really but, for the time being, safe from
his own mind.
 
                                       ♢
                                        
Lucifer knows he should be used to it, but it doesn’t make it any easier when
he walks into his little brothers room to see him curled up on the floor, eyes
staring at the wall, or, rather, past it; he hates to think his thoughts are
emptier than his eyes in these moments. The elder Novak sighs, walking over and
pulling Castiel up, guiding him over to his bed and sitting him down. “Cassie?
Hey hold this, here” he curls Castiel’s hand around a glass of water, making
sure he’s actually holding it before he jiggles a pill out of the bottle in his
own hand.
Castiel still doesn’t show any sign of being at least halfway lucid, his azure
eyes seeming to be grayed over and dull. “Pills Cassie, this’ll make you feel
better ‘kay?” He doesn’t expect an answer as he holds the tablet to his
brother, who sits limply, eventually letting out a sigh, “Take this, okay?”
Lucifer tries not to flinch as Castiel automatically obliges and grabs the pill
putting it on the back of his tongue, bringing his shaking hand up and sipping
the water. “Okay. We’re okay. You’re okay now” Lucifer nudges him back on the
pillows, avoiding the confused look in his little brother's eyes; peering
around as though he doesn’t even know where he is.
Pulling off Castiel’s shoes and socks, setting them aside, he pulls the
comforter up and around his neck, tucking him in and giving him a small smile,
“Goodnight Castiel.” For a few moments he sits there, listening to Castiel’s
breathing, but soon gathers himself enough to click off the light and head out
towards the living room where Michael is reading through another ‘Survivor's
Guide’.
Lucifer hates those books, they never actually give helpful advice on how to
deal with any kind of real trauma; sure they explain how the trauma comes to,
perhaps they tell the reader what could happen but, they never seem to explain
to the unsuspecting reader about the reality, like waking up in the middle of
the night to bloodcurdling screams, but being unable to comfort or walking in
on blank, emotionless eyes, that sit there for hours on end, doing nothing.
They don’t explain to those readers that little things will trigger attacks,
things like certain colored blankets or the way a body spray smells; that even
the lightest, most innocent of touches can stem a full blown panic attack and
they certainly don’t prepare the reader for a little brother that seems broken
beyond actual repair. They’re worthless, Lucifer shakes his head, sitting down
and plucking the offensive thing from his brothers hand and throwing it aside.
“I was reading that!” Michael glares at him but it comes out more whiny than
authoritative which causes his cheeks to redden slightly as Lucifer chuckles,
“What is it going to tell us that we don’t already know bro? A cure? Doubt it,
because he’s not… sick” he winces at his own usage of words as Michael sighs
and bites the inside of his cheek, contemplating. “Before you ask, I got him
up, gave him his pills and put him to bed” Lucifer informs before Michael can
ask. More silence. Michael opens his mouth, closing it a moment and then starts
again, “What if-”
 
“What are we talking about oh brothers of mine?” Gabriel.
 
Michael shuts up quickly, turning to the honey haired boy with a tired smile,
“Nothing Gabe. Don’t worry. You, though, need to head to bed soon” he scolds,
shoving papers under the coffee table as Gabriel rolls his eyes. “If you’re
wondering, Castiel made a friend” Gabriel peeks over Michael’s shoulder eyeing
a thing of chocolates on the table, furrowing his brows as if feeling betrayed
and scurries over to them, “Wait he did? How? I mean who?” He feels guilty for
being skeptic but he knows Castiel has zero social skills and didn’t seem all
to excited about talking with the others in the first place.
“Well I mean he’s my friend so by default… but he seems to really taken to our
Cassie. You’ve met him a couple’a times. Dean Winchester,” He explains, pausing
to pop a chocolate in his mouth and rest his butt on the coffee table. Lucifer
groans and rolls his eyes, “Out of an entire school of kids he picks Dean
Winchester?” he recoils at Gabriel’s angry look and jumps to defend himself, “I
have nothing against him he just… this is Castiel’s literal first friend. Dean…
his personality is too loud” He grumbles as Gabriel rolls his own eyes, “You’re
just a mother hen and won't let anyone have any fun, you need to get laid. Both
of you actually because jeez it’s hard living with two people that have sticks
up their asses” Gabriel grumbles getting up and walking towards his room,
“Castiel likes him too, so, I’m inviting him and his little brother over this
weekend, youcan’tsayno” he ushers the last part out quickly and runs to his
room.
The two brothers look at each other, letting out loud sighs, “Who are we to
deny Castiel a friend?” Michael finally says. They can’t argue with that.
 
                                       ♢
 
The one thing Castiel dislikes more than getting up before the sun is being
surrounded by so many taller, filled out teenagers. He more than disliked it,
he loathed it; he had quickly dismissed Gabriel from being his guide after
seeing the way his brother looked longingly at his group of friends and, as
much as he hated it, he’d tried all he could to avoid Dean. By the time the end
of the week came around Castiel had gotten the routine down, nearly running
from each class to the other, skipping lunch for his much preferred spot in the
library and generally just trying to blend in with the walls.
People didn’t talk to him, he wasn’t sure if he just had an unapproachable vibe
in general or people simply thought he was a freak, but he wouldn’t be
surprised if both were underlying factors; not that he cared that is, he much
preferred it.
Though, more often than not, Castiel would find his eyes scanning the crowds
for a leather jacket and spiked hair, usually finding him surrounded by happily
chattering boys and girls. Like right now as he scurried to Psychology, turning
the corner to see Dean with his arm slung around a blonde girl’s shoulder and
laughing at a lanky boy across from him; Castiel tried to will away an
unfamiliar feeling within his chest that resonated throughout his entire body,
it was one that made him want to walk over and be the one he was flashing that
magnificent smile to. Clutching his books tighter, he scans Dean as a whole;
the way his tongue pokes against his teeth when he flashes that little smirk,
or the way his legs bow out and make the way he walks entirely… Dean. Feeling a
little glimmer of adoration as he sees the way Dean gives full attention to
whomever is speaking and he just wishes in this moment he was speaking to him,
and oh
 
“Observing the earthlings freak?”
 
Castiel jerks his head to where the owner of voice is standing just a tad too
close. Before him is a senior, Crowley, his mind supplies, intel he’d picked up
from overhearing his classmates. Crowley wasn’t someone you wanted to tangle
with, he was mysterious and malicious, garnering a following of people who
merely feared what he was capable of. He was staring at Castiel with what could
only be described as an amused look, most likely had been watching him watch
Dean.
Castiel doesn’t want to answer him so he huffs a breath and continues walking
forward, stunted only when a hand pulls him back, “You disrespectful insect,
were you raised in a barn?” he sounds angry but Castiel doesn’t focus on that,
no, just the way his skin burns at the contact, “Stop. Get off me. Don’t touch
me” He realizes his voice is impossibly small and holds only desperate
passiveness; he just hopes Crowley doesn’t pick up on this, that’s all he needs
is this enigma knowing his weaknesses. “Why I ought to-”
“HEY!” Castiel and Crowley both whip around to see Dean heading towards them,
pushing Crowley off, “Mess with him again, see what happens!” Dean actually
growls and Castiel finds himself captivated by the boy whose body seems to
radiate anger; he’d noticed that before, that Dean tended to wear his feelings
literally on his sleeve. Crowley just throws a smug look at the Winchester,
glares at Castiel and tells him towatch his back and stalks away.
Castiel swallows hard as Dean turns to face him, anger dissipated and merely
replaced with… concern? Why was Dean concerned about him? “You okay buddy?” he
is getting close, checking him over in Castiel’s shock, which shocks Castiel’s
even more because he realizes he doesn’t mind Dean being this close to him. “T-
Thanks Dean,” he finally breathes out, looking into his eyes, hoping he can
convey what his words always seems to lack, “Of course, that guy is a douche.”
And in a final act of surprise Dean slings his arm over Castiel’s shoulder,
and, oh my god, guides them to their next class. The smaller boy can feel his
heart beat rapidly in his chest, but it’s not accompanied with that same icy
feeling rather a warm, apprehensive one.
With Dean touching him he feels his mind poke around, as if he should be
remembering something, but that something never comes, no, his mind is merely
full of how heavenly Dean smells and how amazing he feels being the object of
his attention in this moment. Even as they both enter the classroom and sit in
their respective seats, the feeling reverberates within him and he can’t help
but bask in it because any other time he’d be wallowing in self-loathing and
horrid memories, so as Dean turns toward him, that famous smile quickly
becoming Castiel’s favorite thing, and talks about nothing important, Castiel
can still feel the ghost touch of his fingertips that makes his skin vibrate
with a certain feeling of being absolutely alive.
He vaguely picks up that Dean is chattering about things that they can do,
hanging out, and spending time together; Castiel feels the haze of good feeling
in his mind clear a bit as he tilts his head and just needs to know, “Why me
Dean?” This seems to shut the boy up for a moment before he smiles again,
“Because you’re different Cas.” the words are only slightly registered as a
hand is placed tenderly on his own and suddenly he feels the words that are
spoken to him, feels as though the brilliant light that makes up Dean
Winchester shifts from his body into Castiel's own and somehow chips at the
darkness inside of him, breaking through, trickling in and trying to penetrate
the dark crevices that hold so much fear and loneliness. His warmth sending
crackles of electricity throughout Castiel’s body, pumping through his veins
and overpowering, no, destroying the slivers of darkness it comes in contact
with there.
Dean Winchester is every vibrant color Castiel had wished to be painted with in
his young lifetime, he is the stagnant flame within a hurricane of tumultuous
emotion. His light enters Castiel and carves out the dark, rotting pieces that
had died so long ago, touching them and willing them back to life again. Dean
clasps his hand tighter and Castiel gasps as everything that is Dean fills him
up and creates a new place for him to hide away, gripping him tight and
promising to do everything in it's power to revive everything within Castiel
that had collapsed, withered and used. 
It doesn't give him false hope as various therapists had, does not promise him
instantaneous, life altering moments, but rather safety. A carved cocoon that
Castiel can enclose himself in, which, the thought of, wrapped in the light
that is Dean, sends thrums of happiness through his body. 
Castiel knows it isn’t going to be easy to shed the cocoon his father had
created around him, his life isn’t going to instantly change, but what he does
know is that he isn’t alone, and perhaps, somewhere within the brilliance that
is Dean Winchester, he may be able to find that one vital piece of himself he’d
been searching for his whole life. And, perhaps, someday he could be free of
the shackles his father had beaten and bound to him. Someday.
 
===============================================================================
 
He'd wanted to go with his brothers so badly, simply to the grocery store, but
his father reiterated even as Castiel sobbed into his shoulder, 'you can't go
out there angel, people will want to take you away. Is that what you want? To
be taken to a strangers house?' Castiel shook his head hard enough to make
himself dizzy, he definitely didn't want that. But he didn't understand, why
would they take him but not his brothers? Castiel still felt sadness in him,
the heaviness in his chest, but then again he felt that all the time, he wanted
that feeling to go away, so he tried the only way he knew how, "Hold me daddy"
he cried gently as he's enveloped in his father's unforgiving arms, he presses
his cheek against his father's chest and hopes that, perhaps, they could just
sit like this so he doesn't feel so alone, that he doesn't have to mirror his
father's touches or sit stiff as he explores his body. Castiel should know that
he's never that lucky, that this is what he is meant for; shoving his face into
the cloth of his father's shirt he hiccups as a large hand holds his neck and
the other reaches down inside his jeans and gropes around. He feels the rapid
rise and fall of his father's chest and hoped it's over soon, but he cried out
in surprise as his father pulled him back, looking at him with a weird, tired
look. 'I wanna show you something new angel, do you want me to show you? It's a
secret, a special secret' Castiel and all of his seven year old curiosity get
the better of him and he nodded his head slowly, wiping the tears from his
puffed cheeks. His father sat on the edge of the bed, instructing Castiel to
stand in front of him as he unzipped his pants and pulled them down, quickly
with his briefs too. He sat there with his large erection curling out, and
Castiel looked up to him confused, he'd seen his father naked before, when they
did special touches, but he's not sure what his father is meaning for this
time. 'Get on your knees Castiel' his voice is breathy and strange, Castiel
cocked his head but does as he's told, 'Dad? What are we doing?' he wondered
aloud, but this only seemed to make his father more...strange, as he watched
the erection twitch. 'I told you. Something special okay? But you have to do
what I say or it won't be special and I will be sad, do you want that Castiel?'
Castiel shook his head hard because he knows his father tries really hard to
make him happy and get healthy, he doesn't want his father to be sad. He
motioned for Castiel to move closer, so he scoots on his knees until he's
almost touching the throbbing member, 'Now I want you to put this in your mouth
okay' he motioned towards his cock when Castiel looked absolutely
flabbergasted, 'b-but, Daddy that's how we-' his father slapped his face hard
enough to shut him up and cause tears to spring in his eyes, 'what did I say
Castiel? Do you want me to be mad? Because I'm getting mad' the boy definitely
didn't want his father to be angry so he shut up right quick and moved toward
his cock, slowly pulling the head of it into his mouth, gasping and pulling
back when he feels how strange it is; he wanted to cry, he does not want to do
this but he also doesn't want his father to be angry or sad. His father seemed
to lighten up a bit, chuckling at his anxiety, 'it's okay. It's fun. Open your
mouth' Castiel does as he's told, letting his father move his head closer as
well, with only a moment hesitation he placed a hand around his prick and then
guided it to the small mouth in front of him, groaning as he feels it enter the
wet expanse. Castiel watched his father who seemed...in pain? He isn't sure
when he hears the groan, just focused on not moving away as he feels his
father's cock being pushed further in his mouth. He isn't able to fit much
before Castiel is spluttering and gagging around it, unintentionally closing
his mouth, only to be jerked violently by his hair, 'No. Teeth. I will not tell
you again.' Castiel nodded, his eyes wide with fear as he tried to keep his
gagging at bay. He listened to his father's instructions, closing his mouth
around it, no teeth, and carefully begins sucking on it. It's weird and
painful, mostly his hair is being pulled and his throat is burning while tears
make their way down his cheeks. His father mostly guides his head, back and
forth, until he's making loud noises, shouting almost, until Castiel feel's the
prick being shoved deep into his throat, making him desperately trying to take
in oxygen through his nostrils; through his panic his father seized up and
moved more rapidly until suddenly he grunted disgustingly and expels some kind
of fluid down his throat, Castiel wished to spit it out, unable to do much of
anything but convulsively move his throat to keep from choking. Castiel felt
something deep within him ice over, almost like it died right there in his gut,
and he felt the sadness like a tenfold. He doesn't want to do this his whole
life, doesn't want to take his father in this way and constantly feel the
heaviness in his chest. When his father pulled out he was frozen in his spot,
mind in a muddled haze of horror; this is his life. Even as his father put him
on the bed and leaves to go clean himself Castiel felt the tug of invisible
ropes around his entire being. Squeezing, squeezing until he felt a breaking
inside of him and suddenly his mind is blank, and he lay on the bed completely
empty. He numbly registered that if he could stay like this, maybe the rest of
his life could be a little more bearable. Yes. He wouldn't mind being numb
forever.
Chapter End Notes
     yey. I always see Dean as a protector, sue me. But do not be fooled,
     Castiel isn't suddenly cured or free from his past, I think he just
     feels hopeful for the first time in his life. Fluff and angst ensue.
     Chapter song namesake, it reminds me off Destiel: https://
     www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB3pxBDZvf4
***** What Lies Beneath *****
Chapter Summary
     After feeling such a pull to Dean Winchester and the light that is
     he, Castiel finds himself craving more of Dean and his attention. But
     he also feels turmoil over his new friend. He sees Dean as pure and
     innocent, a savior.
     But Castiel soon finds out Dean may not be as holy as he thinks him
     to be.
Chapter Notes
     I still can't believe how awesome you guys are! Thank you so much for
     reading! If you've noticed this story is very Castiel in his head
     based. He thinks a lot, which is how it is when someone experiences
     trauma; you find yourself in your head a lot. So if that bothers you
     guys I do apologize. I know it seems Dean and Castiel don't have a
     lot of interactions but that will change as we move on. We'll see
     more Dean, more PROTECTIVE DEAN YEY.
     Do also keep in mind, Castiel seems very naive and immature at times
     (thinking Dean is all good and holy) but that's because he was
     isolated his entire life and he's not very caught up with times and
     normality of teenagers. He's just very hopeful for the first time in
     his life. So please keep that in mind before you call him 'childish'.
     ITALICS contain GRAPHIC ABUSE. Other than that please do enjoy. NO
     beta so mistakes are mine.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
===============================================================================
 
 
‘ You are the most beautiful Castiel. Out of all of your brothers. Out of
everyone. You are the prettiest angel ever, do you know that?’ Castiel beamed
and blushed from the compliment, his father was always telling him things like
that, but Castiel thought his brothers were also very beautiful. Castiel stood
in place, shivering in his nakedness as his father held the camera and showered
him with compliments. A hand weaved itself through his hair, scratching at his
scalp soothingly, ‘you have your mother’s hair’ his father’s eyes were dreamy
as fingers combed the raven locks and then slid down his temples, snapping
another picture before running the pad of his thumb across Castiel’s eyelids,
‘the most precious blue eyes. They look like they hold the ocean’ another blush
spread across Castiel’s face as he smiled, he liked the attention his father
gave him, it wasn’t like he could get it elsewhere, he wasn’t allowed to leave
the house, so he groveled in it, craved his father’s affection; to be good
enough for him. He would do whatever he could to be able to bask in the
attention. Calloused fingers trailed down past his nose to swipe over his lips
gently, poking inside to touch his tongue, his voice laced with pride ‘the
softest lips ever. Such a pretty little mouth, good for taking daddy’ another
snap of the camera, capturing his kiss-swollen lips. Trailing down his chin,
fingers laced around his neck carefully and come together to travel down his
chest, teasing at his nipples, pinching and rolling them between his fingers
before massaging at his small stomach, ‘so skinny and pretty for me baby, just
for me’ his father leaned back a tad to get a picture of his perked nipples and
pale torso. The flash made Castiel squint a tad, making a small noise as the
hand returned and wrapped around his cock, inspecting it before more pictures
were taken, ‘such soft skin, not even any hair yet angel-’ he stopped talking
to take in the small gasp as he trailed a finger underneath Castiel’s small
prick, across his perineum and to the tight muscles of his hole, ‘So good just
for me.’ Castiel wiggled at the uncomfortable sensation, whining out as to stop
his father who soon stepped back, held the camera up and took a full photo,
continuing with other captures as well. After a moment his father set the
camera down and got equally as naked, Castiel’s five year old eyes squinted in
confusion. ‘Castiel I want you to touch me here’ he pointed to his cock and
looked to the confused boy, ‘like this’ he demonstrated on Castiel once again,
cupping his fingers around his small genitals, stroking his cock
instructionally. His father released him after a moment and then pointed to
himself, ‘Show me what you learned.’ Castiel swallowed his fear and reached
out, taking his much larger father in his hand, and looked up with a terrified
squeak as he was coaxed on. For a moment he just held it, not sure what to do
until his father instructed him again. Castiel adjusted his hand and used it to
stroke and touch the man as he’d been told to; fear was there inside of his
chest, worried that he was hurting his father as grunts and moans filled the
room; but he was urged to continue, a larger hand covering his own after a
moment so they're both pumping the hard thing in unison until his father
stilled, telling him not to stop before letting out a loud groan as a substance
spurted over Castiel’s chest suddenly. The young boy looked down at the thick,
white liquid, wondering why that had never come out of him, looking back up to
his father, whom panted and pushed his hand off. More photos were taken of his
jizz covered body before he was allowed to wipe off with an old shirt and then
gathered in his father’s arms. ‘My pretty angel. So beautiful. So beautiful.’
 
===============================================================================
 
 
Castiel frightens himself. He knows somewhere in his head something, a lot of
somethings, are broken, things that truly cannot be repaired, yet even with
that knowledge he still lets himself waver across the line of insanity once in
a while. Dean being most of those ‘one in a whiles’.
Now that he and Dean had established their new friendship, Castiel found
himself ravenously drinking up his attention and withering with parchment when
he is gone. Castiel finds himself coveting for Dean’s approval at every turn,
cautious and alert with his emotions and reactions. He knows deep in his
subconscious it is not right, not normal to feel such intense longings for
petty things like attention, but he can’t help it, so he allows the reasonable
part of his brain to shut off and let the part that longs for more of Dean’s
light to come through.
That is why, now, Castiel finds himself compulsively cleaning up his room,
placing things in alphabetical order and by height, finishing and moving on to
the kitchen and finally the living room, just waiting for Dean’s arrival.
Gabriel had insisted on Dean and Sam coming over to hang out since it would be
a long weekend; Castiel felt his hands shake with unwarranted apprehension and
deep seeded desire. He wished Dean would hold him, just hold him; he craved for
that innocent skin to skin contact. He didn’t want to feel lonely any more. No
longer wanted to feel the phantom hands that probed him, even worse, the slight
ache for his father to hold him close and give him his utmost attention, he
didn’t want to feel it.
If Dean could give that to him, that attention he so desired for, then perhaps,
he could forget his father, erase the ever lingering scent of whiskey and pine,
shed more light on the places in Castiel that had never seen it, make him
whole. It was a lot to ask for a person he’d just met, Castiel knew this in the
back of his mind, knew Dean would take one look inside Castiel and go running
for the hills, but the other side of him, the hopeful side, remembers the way
Dean had clutched his hand, threw his energy straight into the broken boy and
actually ignited the hopefulness.
Castiel sits at the counter listening as his mind roars back and forth; Dean
hadn’t seemed to mind how Castiel had followed him around as a lost puppy
would, he seemed to encourage it. He didn’t mind Castiel being content with
just him speaking and not saying a word back. Dean is different, he reminds
himself. Dean is full of color and luminescence. Dean is light incarnate. Dean
sees something inside Castiel worth fighting for; worth coming to school every
day and giving him a warm smile, worth walking him to each of his classes and
warning Crowley away. Dean saw worth where Castiel saw worthlessness.
Dean is good. When Dean touches things they turn white and pure, Castiel is
sure of it. That is why the touch of his hand still resonates within Castiel,
he’d allowed purity to run through his veins; if Castiel could just have more
of Dean then perhaps he could be wiped clean. Tabula Rasa. Castiel smiles
inside of himself, Dean is here to save him.
He pushes any other doubts he may have about Dean and his astounding light
away, totally out of his mind, because he’s sure Dean is nothing but virtuous;
he would never try to hurt Castiel, only attempt to wipe away the blackness his
father’s fingers had smudged across his soul.
He lets his mind wander to other things, like the fact that Dean and Sam will
be coming to stay the night, a sleepover, Gabriel had called it. Castiel had
never seen anyone come over to their house, but, perhaps if anyone had, he
would not have known since he hadn't been allowed to leave him and his father’s
room. He began to fret over proper sleepover etiquette. What was he supposed to
act like? What should he speak about?
Castiel wondered if Dean, Sam and Gabriel would talk about sex as he’d heard
them doing so once; he’d been confused, wondering why people would choose to
speak about the acts they performed, but quickly realized it is a normal thing
among his high school peers to speak of sex as if it were a common act; Castiel
had always been under the impression those were things you kept hush-hush,
didn’t talk about.
 
‘You can’t tell anybody about the angel, okay? People will be very angry and
take you away if you do’

The youngest Novak feels a small trickle of trepidation slither into his lungs,
wondering if it will be required that he, too, speaks about sexual acts he’s
performed; he’d seen in movies how the teenagers typically all swapped stories,
meaning it would be rude for him not to speak about the customary things one
would during such events. The thought of doing so sent him into a panic, he
gripped the edge of the table till his knuckles whitened, trying to keep
himself steady, taking deep, rehabilitating breaths that did nothing to soothe
his panic.
He did not want to talk about those times, his therapists had already tried to
get him to enough, but to speak to Dean about such abhorred acts he’d
performed… no, he could not possibly let Dean see the real side of him. Then he
would know. He would know why Castiel craved his attention, or why he would
walk into the bathroom at times and find Castiel in full blown panic mode. He
would know and he would be absolutely disgusted with Castiel, the real Castiel.
 
‘Don’t ever be ashamed of yourself baby boy. You’re so beautiful’

Castiel squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, yes, god yes, there were a
millions reasons Castiel should be ashamed of himself, he and his tainted skin.
Castiel breathes out quickly, willing himself to not let his father ruin this
new experience for him. But he can’t help but turn to face the small mirror
hanging on the wall, blinking his twilight eyes, brushing his black tousled
hair back.
Beautiful. Does Dean think is? He wouldn’t mind if Dean thought he was
beautiful. Maybe then he might even believe it. Impossible, he shakes his head,
he wasn’t beautiful. He could never be beautiful. Not with his father's eyes
and his mother's hair. No. Stop. He presses his fists into his eyes, trying to
keep his thoughts from again straying.
But, he loathe they continue, don’t you want to be beautiful? Like your father
always said? Castiel nods slightly, but how could he be? How could he be
beautiful if he hated every inch of himself. Hated himself more than anyone
could possibly imagine. Nothing about him was beautiful, not his jutted
hipbones that tingled with past kisses, or his sides that had once been ever
painted with finger bruises. Not his legs that had been easily maneuvered to
someone’s liking, or his arms that had been pinned down the first time he’d
tried to scream and fight back. He was never beautiful. So why then, had he
been chosen? He is too deep in his thoughts now, too engrossed in visions of
the past.
 
‘Your skin is so pale angel, it brings out those pretty little eyes’
 
‘Say thank you Castiel, you should appreciate the things I do to you. They’re
very special’
 
‘You’re so gorgeous angel. Come on now, put it in your mouth’
 
‘My precious, little boy’
 
“Why was I the prettiest?” Castiel’s head is muddled and heavy, thick like
syrup and he knows his eyes are glazed over in indifference as the words seem
to be spoken by someone else. He wasn’t speaking to anyone in particular, or,
perhaps he was; perhaps he hoped his father would come and explain, make
something, anything, right about the situation. But that would never happen and
he was left with startling his brother Lucifer, whom he hadn’t even realized
had been in the kitchen, dropping his knife down on a ceramic plate with a loud
thunk. Silence follows for a few moments before Lucifer’s voice wafts in,
sounding almost hesitant, “Cassie?” Castiel has no desire to look up, just
continues blankly staring into the wooden table as if it held all the answers
to the universe.
His older brother approaches him slowly, like he’s a spooked animal waiting to
bite its own leg off and scamper away, stopping steps in front of him before
kneeling down to seem less intimidating, taking in his little brothers foggy
eyes. “Castiel? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He speaks slowly, as if he’s
talking to a young child, waiting patiently for a reply as Castiel forgets how
to use his voice. 

‘Don’t tell your brothers Castiel. You’re the most beautiful. Out of them all’

 Why? Why was he? What was it that made him so different from all of his
brothers? Why him? Why not his brothers? He found himself juggling anger and
sadness at the same time.
“Cassie” Lucifer reaches out and touches Castiel’s shoulder, trying to shake
him from his stupor, but the contact only makes Castiel jump, knocking his
chair over and scrambling back, “D-Don’t touch me! I don’t want you to touch
me! I don’t want any of you to touch me!” He felt the words spill from his
mouth, as he hesitantly brings his hands up to tug at tufts of his hair,
because he’d just been fine minutes ago, Dean was coming, he was supposed to be
happy, but the only thing he could feel was anger.
Surely he’d been a good kid, surely he hadn’t deserved everything that’d
happened to him, right? But then again, why would it of happened if there
wasn’t something truly wrong with him? Maybe he is sick, not sick like father
had told him, feeding him pills to make him vomit and feel dizzy, but sick
inside his head, ill with the idea that he could be anything but used. Perhaps
he was sick enough to believe Dean could help him, to believe his brilliant
light would even want to go near someone as grotesque as himself. Sick enough
to believe he could be free.
His brother is speaking frantically to him but his head is too filled up with
the sound of his father because god, Castiel thinks, he was right. About
everything.
 
‘No one is going to love you like I do. No one is going to touch you like I do.
No one is going to understand you, like me Castiel. So get your ass on that
damn bed’
 

 “Stop! Stop! Stop!” He shouts. He wants it to. So badly. In this moment he
just wishes for everything to freeze so he can get his head in order. Except,
that’ll never happen because his head is already too out of whack to ever be in
order, he is too scarred, too damaged to become something even halfway sane. He
is mentally shackled, a prisoner in his own head, at times he wasn’t sure what
was real and what wasn’t, though, Lucifer grabbing his arms and shaking him
surely is. “Castiel, I’m sorry, please I need you to calm down okay, I’m sorry
to touch you, lets go lay down, how ‘bout it?” He's desperately trying to
reason, but Castiel can’t find it within himself to feel bad about scaring his
brother because why had father chosen me? WHY ME?
Tears cascade down his face, not of his own accord though, because everything
in his body feels as if it’s lost feeling, his face, his arms, his legs,
they’re all limp with anger and pain. “I don’t want to be the prettiest
Lucifer! I don’t wanna be!” he begs, as if saying all this will take it all
back, as if he could possibly make the past right. Ha. That would be the day.
Lucifer looks positively green in the face, eyes wide with fear, it makes
Castiel want to laugh because, what in the world did he have to fear? So he
does, he forces out a sarcastic chuckle taking a particularly large tug of his
hair, jerking his head to the side. Stop. Stop. Stop. Be normal. Normal. He
laughs again, it’s not happy, not laced with sarcasm, but forced and desperate,
he wishes to laugh for real. Soon the sounds of his fake laughter die, choked
out by the sound of his sobs as his knees tremble and he nearly collapses to
the floor if not for his quick, reflexive brother that keeps him upright,
reminding him too much of a broken five year old, learning for the first time
he’s ‘sick’ and that’s why he’s not allowed to go play with his brothers,
crying as he collapsed in his father's arms that promised to provide comfort
and a cure.
 
‘I’ll make you all better, okay Cassie? You have to do what I say though.
Okay?’

“Let’s lay you down okay?” Castiel looks up at his father's, no, Lucifer’s face
and nods, tears spilling over his lips and down his neck.
 
“Okay.”
                                       ♢
 
Castiel calms down a couple hours later, crawling out from under his desk,
breathing in deeply, now back in the real world. Dean will be coming in fifteen
minutes. A spark of excitement fills Castiel has he hurriedly changes from his
night clothes to a comfortable hoodie and sweat pants, running to his bathroom
to work at his hair, no avail, it is untamable. He grabs his iPod and shoves
the earbuds in as to keep his mind from straying before Dean can get here, he
couldn’t handle having a meltdown with him watching. He switches it on and
turns it up so the music is bubbling up and spilling out of the bud, able to be
heard by anyone who is close, as he exits his room.
 
We gather here to sing for you, the words you've written. Each bloodshot beauty
still rings true, from violent crashes

He gently moves his head to the music, listening to each word, each
pronunciation, each syllable, only focusing on that, not allowing himself to
think of anything else. He moves swiftly to the living room, passing Gabriel,
not hearing his call of “You’re going to bust your damn ears out with that
screaming shit.” He doesn’t glance up from the floor to acknowledge Michael as
he wanders around the living space.
 
Gently rest your weary head, what you live for now is dead

Going boneless and falling into the armchair, lacing his legs across and
stretching like a cat. Dean. Castiel imagines him driving in his beloved car,
the one he calls baby. He wonders if Dean is as excited as he is to see each
other, perhaps Dean feels apprehensive too?
 
Goodnight.
 
Castiel bristles in what feels like, to him, happiness with the thought of Dean
and his light coming into their home, allowing his soul to smother the
memories, no longer heavy with their father.
 
Goodbye.
 
He visualizes the galaxies that make up Dean’s bones pouring out, the
constellations that pump through his veins making his skin glow. Crack him
open, Castiel thinks, and you’d see the universe. Dean is everything good. Dean
holds the essence of life in his breath, shakes the dust of stars from his
flesh.
 
A soul surrender.

Dean is an anomaly that Castiel wouldn’t mind spending years trying to figure
out. Dean is- the doorbell rings, he can hear it over his headphones even, Dean
is here! Castiel quickly bounces up, walking behind Gabriel, whom is hurrying
to answer the door.
 
This love will set you free from thoughts of yesterday

Gabriel throws a strange smile to Castiel, who hasn’t even taken his headphones
out in his excitement; Castiel wonders vaguely if Gabriel doesn’t see what he
sees in Dean, but he has no time to dwell on it as the door opens and reveals
the two Winchesters. Castiel zeros in on only one though, peering over to see
those emerald gems, those irises that hold the expanse of valleys and the
immeasurable height of mountains. He stares for a moment before those gems fall
on his own eyes. Castiel swallows hard, mesmerized, before ripping the
headphones out of his ears as he sees Dean’s lips moving but not understanding,
throwing his iPod on the table, still blaring his music as he waves gently,
“Hello, Dean” They shuffle back to let the boys in, slinging their bags aside,
“Hey Cas! Long time no see!” he throws his arm around Castiel, who tilts his
head, “No it hasn’t, it’s barely been twenty four hours Dean?” The elder
Winchester just laughs, pats his back and shakes his head, “I was just joking
with you.” Castiel finds his lips curling into a small smile, snatching his
player and going to turn it off.
 
Now death has come to claim your Beautiful Remains.
 
                                       ♢


They spent most of the day playing video games, eating and even throwing a
football around outside. It was getting late as they all gathered together in
the living room to play the station and talk. Castiel keeps his legs pulled to
his chest, head on his knees, watching Dean as he talks, speaking about
something entirely insignificant that Castiel can’t help but be captivated by.
Castiel felt good, they had watched movies and ate junk food and nothing had
been out of line, they hadn’t talked about anything uncomfortable either. It
was the best time Castiel thinks he’s ever had, the best day ever.
That is until Gabriel opens his big mouth. Castiel should have known it would
be Gabriel who would drop the ball. He begins telling a story about some boy
that he’d been dared to kiss and how they both actually enjoyed it, he says
this while looking over at Sam with waggling eyebrows, there’s a collective
groan and Castiel curls tighter to himself in defense.
“So Dean-o, our very own self proclaimed Mr. Bisexual, what about you? Any
hookups lately?” He asks throwing a piece of popcorn at Sam who is playfully
shoving him over. They’d abandoned the PlayStation all together, lounging on
the couch and floor. 
Castiel and Dean had actually been engrossed in a nice conversation before
Gabriel had gone and ruined it. Typical Gabe. “Of course I have Gabe, you know
me, a regular satyriasis in the making,” he rolls his eyes as Castiel exhales
deeply, perhaps they'd avoided the subject. “No seriously Dean, you and Benny
though?” Gabriel wonders out loud, ripping the snickers bar from Sam's hand and
looking pointedly at him. “Shit dude. Nothing is on between us, I just heard he
had a big dick and well yeah” he shrugs with a sly smile as Sam whines how
gross that is and will have to bleach his mind; Castiel, on the other hand,
feels his breath hitch because Dean Winchester, the one who held the universe
in his heart, should not be speaking like that.
But he keeps talking about it, one after another, women and men that he’s been
with, until Castiel feels like he can’t take it any longer; he'd been under the
impression such acts were sacred, not carelessly thrown to whomever. He watches
with wide eyes as Dean speaks like he’s talking about the weather. Dean is
pure, Dean is innocent, Castiel tries to remind himself in his horror. He
shouldn’t be saying things like...like that. “Castiel!” He jerks his head up to
see Lucifer standing in the doorway, smiling as he tilts his head, “Meds.” For
the first time Castiel feels his cheeks redden as he shamefully walks forward;
he’d never been embarrassed at his need for medication until now, with the
Winchesters here, he felt more self-conscious. He tries to shake what Dean had
been saying from his head as he walks toward the kitchen.
He automatically clutches the glass of water as one pill is set in his hand.
Zyprexa. 10mg. He places it on the back of his tongue and swallows it down. Two
more pills are set. Fluoxetine. 40mg. Those are hurriedly downed. He finishes
the glass of water and thanks Lucifer, “No problem bud. You doing okay
with...everything?” He means having people over. Castiel nods automatically,
fatigue filling his bones to the brim, doubt overflowing within his mind.
Dean had been so bright. No. Dean is bright. Dean cannot be at fault for past
mistakes, Castiel nods, he cannot be angry at Dean. He feels a little better as
he walks back to where everyone else is trying to figure out sleeping
arrangements, “Well we have two air beds so Sam can sleep in my room and Dean
can go to Cassie’s” There’s a collective nod. It seems to be settled.
Castiel can feel his heart claw its way up his throat, Dean would have to stay
in his room. The room that used to be him and his father’s. The room that had
never held another person, even Castiel’s brother’s didn’t like being in there.
The thought of Dean, pellucid Dean, being in a place that held such tainted
memories, such toxic air, it was disheartening. He could push the earlier
comments from Dean aside, he was still the all encompassing light that Castiel
knew he was, nothing, he thinks, could change that. Regardless, he is following
the boys, watching Gabriel throw an air mattress on the floor of his room,
while Dean throws his bag down on it, his mind a constant mantra of they're
standing in my room, get them out of my room.
Castiel tries to keep his calm, though it's hard, even with the pills
attempting to assuage him. Dean turns to Castiel and smiles, “Guess we’re
roommates for tonight!” Castiel can’t help but quirk a bit of a smile, even in
his apprehension because Dean’s smile is what dreams are made of. Castiel
bunches the sleeves of his hoodie around his hands and squeezes, nodding back
at him. They all spend a bit more time eating before retiring to their
respective rooms, Dean with a warning of, if you do anything with my little
brother Gabe I will personally kill you. Castiel wonders, if he were normal,
would Gabriel make a joke along the same lines back, but he knows Gabriel would
never, that he is too scared of sending Castiel off at such implications, even
if they’re jokingly.
Castiel sits down on the edge of his bed, watching as Dean inspects CD’s on his
desk. “Man, you have some strange music tastes” Dean chuckles sifting through
the stack, “Thank...you?” Castiel isn’t sure if it's a compliment, Dean just
smiles and sets them down, walking over to inspect the bookshelf. After he
finishes searching through those he moseys around, nothing more to look at;
Castiel had kept his room looking as bare as it had when his father had lived
in it.
 
“You’re a mystery Castiel Novak” he speaks after a moment of silence, Castiel’s
head shoots up, confused.
 
“Is that a bad thing?”
 
“Not at all.” Dean smiles and walks towards him, the bed dipping as he sits
next to him.
 
“You just… you rarely speak, but you listen to me babble on about the stupidest
shit. And you look at me like I’m a good person or something.” He chuckles and
scratches the back of his short, sandy hair. Castiel thinks he looks
uncomfortable with relaying this information.
 
“You are a good person Dean.”
 
Castiel nods his head, because yes, that is true. He wishes he could tell Dean
about what he sees inside of him. The golden bright of his soul that reaches
out and makes Castiel feel safe. The cocoon he’d created for Castiel. “You’re
like the stars. But more than that.”
“What do you mean?” Dean sounds curious and Castiel realizes he’d said that out
loud, so for the thousandth time today he finds himself blushing and looking
away. “N-nothing. Sorry...I’m sorry” He hopes Dean isn’t too worried or freaked
out by him. 
“Cas. Stop. It’s okay, look at me” he does and he sees those green eyes looking
straight into his own and then in a final act of surprise Dean leans forward,
capturing Castiel’s lips, chastely kissing him. And, for a moment, Castiel is
lost in the feeling of it, the way it feels absolutely right and although he
doesn’t kiss back he feels his head fog and body thrum with crackles of excited
energy, that is until his entire world comes crashing down around him as a hand
rests on his upper leg, stroking a moment, and suddenly Castiel is pushing Dean
away, his eyes bulging in horror, and flashes of memories are bursting behind
his eyes.
 
‘Only I can touch you like this angel. Only I will make you feel this way’

“Castiel?” No. No. No! Castiel squeaks out in horror, scrambling back, off his
bed and to the side of the room, throwing his hands out so Dean doesn’t come
any closer. “I-I thought this is what you wanted...You followed me around and
looked at me like…” Dean is trying to justify himself but all Castiel can hear
is the gruff voice of his father. Dean is just like him. Dean doesn’t want
Castiel the person, Dean wants Castiel the walking fuck toy. But, but his
light. H-he was so pure. I felt it. I felt him. But the only thing Castiel
feels are his insides ice over once again, his mind trying to recoil into the
inner recesses of itself.
 
‘So good baby. So good, just for me. Castiel, look at me. I said look at me
Castiel’

“Castiel!” He is shaking, his fists pressed into his eyes, because now his
cocoon is rotting, now it makes him feel sour and used. Dean. Dean. The stars,
the galaxies, the light, what had it all been? What was Dean? An anguished yowl
falls from his lips. Forever he is his father’s. Never to be unbound. Never to
be released. Never.
Suddenly hands are grabbing his shoulders trying to bring him back to reality,
Castiel cries because they just feel so right. Why do they feel right?
“Castiel, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have. I just thought it’s what you wanted.
Please don’t cry. Please” Dean is pleading with him, Castiel hears fear in his
voice, fear and remorse, he’s never heard that from anyone. He opens his teary,
azure eyes and looks up to Dean, he looks so apologetic and guilty. But. So had
his father, those first times it’d all happened. Castiel worries his bottom
lip, turning his head away. It doesn't matter if Dean's hands feel right.
 
“Please Dean. Don’t touch me.”
 
===============================================================================
 
'Castiel. You can tell me if somethings happening okay? No one will be mad at
you, we just want you safe' Michael looked really concerned and Castiel found
himself saddened, Michael shouldn't look so sad. The littlest Novak shook his
head, his father was only doing what he could to make Castiel better. Castiel
was sick. Sick on the inside. And only his father knew how to help him. Michael
looked like he didn't believe Castiel, like he's lying. 'Cassie. I need you to
tell me. Is father...' he seemed to have a hard time talking or rather, getting
the right word out, 'is he touching you? In private...areas?' Castiel furrowed
his eyebrows, because his father had told him specifically to never talk about
things they did, but before he can open his mouth his father stomped over and
pulled Castiel up by his little arm, marching him away from Michael like he is
some stranger. 'Castiel James Novak what did I say about leaving the room when
I'm not here it is-' Michael cut him off, standing, nearly taller than father,
looking like he wanted to come in between them. 'Dad. Don't yell at him, I
brought him out. None of us get to see him, you keep him locked up in that room
it isn't healthy' he glared hard and it scared Castiel, for him to threaten
their authority like that. Their father was angry, Castiel could tell by his
shaking arm that still clutched on his own, Castiel found himself wanting to
cower away, his father could become quite unforgiving when angry. 'Michael. I
know what's best for my child. He's sick and it's dangerous for him to be out
in the open with all you and your germs. Do you want your little brother to
die? Because he will if you keep disobeying and letting him run around.'
Castiel's eyes widened in fear, trying to tug his father toward their room, he
didn't want to die! 'Do you even feed him? Look at him he's too small, I don't
understand what exactly your plan is here. No doctors? No Hospita-' Castiel
cried out as his father backhanded Michael, straight across the face, blood
trickled down his lip ominously. Michael was stunned, holding his face and
narrowing his eyes as father spoke, 'Shut your mouth boy. I do what’s right for
him. So you, mind your own business' he turned on his heel, pulling Castiel
along. Castiel felt tears fall down his face because he hated when his father
was angry and rough with him. It left him hurting for days. Castiel was flung
on the bed, he scampered back, chewing on his shirt collar in apprehension
before he decided to speak up, 'daddy?' his voice was impossibly small but it
made his father stop and look toward him, a sick crawl of a smile spread his
lips, 'take your clothes off Castiel. Quickly' Castiel knew not to disobey,
stripped as fast as he could and threw them aside, hugging his knobby knees to
his chest, waiting. His father was in the bathroom, rustling around with
something, walking out with a small tube in his hand. 'Now I have to inspect
you, since you decided it would be such a good idea going out with Michael and
contaminating yourself' he spit his words out like venom, leaving Castiel to
tremble with shame, 'I'm sorry daddy...please...d-don't be mad at me' he
hiccupped. His father couldn't be mad at him, he was all he had. 'You're just
going to have to be extra good today and let daddy inspect you thoroughly,
understand?' he asked in a challenging way, Castiel nodded hard, happy for a
way to make his father proud of him, 'I will be go-good! I promise!' his father
looked pleased, reached over to the bed and pulled Castiel's knees down, 'Now I
need you to come over here and lay on my lap, on your tummy' he sat on the edge
of the bed and waited for Castiel to scramble on his lap, laying across his
legs, pressing his face into the sheets. His father shifted to set the tube
down a moment, sighing dramatically, 'I wish I didn't have to do this. But I
have to make sure you didn't catch anything else.' This made Castiel squeak in
fear, what could he possibly be doing? He felt hands rub his back soothingly as
more instructions are spoken to him, 'now bring your knees up' he did as he was
told when he saw the angry glint in his father’s eyes, holding himself up
across his father’s lap, his bottom raised and head pushed further into the
sheets.
Castiel felt fear burn deep in his throat as hands trailed down and caressed
his bottom, the other hand pawed through his sweaty hair before both being
removed altogether, the sound of uncapping filling the room. His father
squirted the substance on his fingers, rubbing it a bit and then hesitantly
held them over Castiel's bottom, then slowly coming down to slick it up as
well, Castiel felt the cool, wetness drug from his perineum and up to his
sensitive hole, yelping out and bucking his hips to get away from the wrong
sensation, but his father held him in place, his a hand on the back of his neck
tight, 'Now. Castiel. What the fuck did I say? Do. Not. Move' his voice was
laced with anger and Castiel felt a sob rip from his throat as he nodded
obediently, biting his lip as the fingers started again, swiping around and
coating him. He began to get used to the feeling before the tip of a finger
tried to dip past the muscle, his body quickly igniting with fear, no, no, no.
He picked his head up and looked around frightfully, 'Daddy please, don't, I-
I don't want-' he's hushed by his father squeezing his neck painfully, 'Shush
Castiel. I am making sure you're healthy. So shut up'. He was angry at Michael.
He was angry and taking it out on Castiel. That's what his father did,
projected his emotions onto the boy. He doesn't hesitate any longer, worming
his finger in to the knuckle, not stilling at the cries. He moved around
immediately, slicking up within him, free hand pet Castiel's quivering spine
and stilled his bucking hips. Just when Castiel thought he could not take
anymore another finger was added, searing, burning pain shot up his spine and
he cried out, begging. 'Hurt...dad...please' but he was unrelenting, pushing
the two fingers deeper, scissoring them around, inspecting. 'Do you want
something inside of you, killing you?' he asked angrily, looking to Castiel
with stilled fingers, 'No!' he shook his head, tears flew off his face. 'Then
let me do this' he didn't wait for a nod, just began moving his fingers up and
down again, pressing at muscles and tight heat. Castiel felt his legs shaking
hard, wanting to collapse in his father’s lap, but a hand came underneath and
held his stomach up. 'There might be something angel. I have to add another
finger' he said in a wavering voice, not listening to Castiel's shout of
anguish. The third finger split Castiel open, or so it felt. Pain thrummed
throughout his body, heightening as fingers fucked up and down inside of him.
They got faster and angrier, punishing almost, making Castiel choke and bite
his tongue hard, until they pushed into a strange coil of heat and he moaned
out loud. It wasn't like the pain, but rather a strange sensation he felt he
might want more of, but as the thought struck he quickly shook his head, eyes
widening in horror. How could he want this? It felt like forever till the
fingers slowed to barely moving and prodding around, until Castiel whimpered
out, his body too exhausted to do anything else, as they are expelled, his hole
closing around nothing. 'Castiel' his father's voice was what brought him to,
full of an emotion Castiel couldn't decipher. What had he found inside his
bottom? 'Daddy...?' he asked after a moment of silence, to which his father
pressed small kisses to his lower back, rubbing his sore bottom. 'There's
something inside of you Castiel' he stated matter of fact, waiting for Castiel
to sob out, he didn't want to do this anymore, he wanted it all to be over.
'Don't worry baby, daddy will make it all better.'
Chapter End Notes
     Thanks for reading! Song used: Beautiful Remains by Black Veil Brides
     (The namesake). Part two of the sleepover coming soon! Let me know
     what you think! Destiel is coming, and Dean will have a larger part!
     Let me know what you think!
***** Uncomfortably Numb *****
Chapter Summary
     Castiel finds himself on the borderline of reality and the past after
     he and Dean's encounter. Dean finds himself wanting to help Castiel,
     to find answers and help him start healing. But, is it ever that
     easy?
Chapter Notes
     Thanks again for reading friends! I'm so glad you all like it! I just
     want to say that while all the flashbacks seem scattered and with no
     pattern they are the way they are for a reason, it will all come
     together.
     This chapter begins and deals heavily with Castiel having a mental
     break of sort, his head is very scattered and such. It happens a lot
     with things like PTSD and Dissociation. So let me know if you guys
     like it.
     I decided to have Dean end this chapter so yey we get to see a bit
     into Dean's POV! That's always fun! But do keep in mind I have a hard
     time writing Dean, he's such a complex person, and I realize he's
     very OOC. So go light on that perhaps? ;n; But I think it's crucial
     to introduce him as character since he will be a big part of the
     story!
     As usual ITALICS are GRAPHIC depictions of CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE. No
     beta, mistakes will be made.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
===============================================================================
Castiel would be turning twelve soon, but he have no energy to celebrate it
even if he wanted to. No. He could feel how weak his bones were. How they
protruded from every part of him, so emaciated that the flesh looked as if it
would pop open and reveal ligaments. His father had not allowed him to eat and
even if he had Castiel would not have felt he could, the pills being pumped
into his system kept anything in his stomach from even staying. So he kept in
he and his father’s bed till he would be requested for something. It was around
nine o’clock that Castiel was laying in mind numbing silence, startled by the
voice of his father who’d apparently been standing there for a while. His eyes
were laced with mock concern as he slid into bed next to the young boy,
gathering him up in his arms. ‘I’m doing my best with you angel, if you stay
right here with me you’ll be okay’ he whispered close to Castiel’s ear, his
voice sliding in like thick syrup, coating his brain. He doesn’t answer, just
continues to stare at the wall, he doesn’t feel like his mouth can work. The
last time he’d asked his father if he could go out with his brothers he’d
gotten violent, describing to Castiel in detail what would happen to him if he
left; that someone would take him and lock him up, make him bleed and that he
wouldn’t come to save him. So Castiel stayed in his room, next to his father,
safe. Things had changed though, he always felt like something was scraping,
sliding from his fingers, just out of his reach, perhaps his sanity, being
pulled further and further away. ‘Castiel. You’re in your head too much. Stop
that’ His shoulder was jerked and he’d been turned to face his father, ‘sorry
daddy.’ His eyes soften and he reached down, pulling Castiel’s shirt up, his
body moving with it in pliancy. Hands massage their way up his small torso,
lips reaching down and smattering kisses all over his sides and chest, teeth
flicking over his nipples. ‘You always do all the work baby’ Castiel felt a
faint tingle of apprehension tickle the back of his brain, turning his eyes to
watch, to listen, ‘and you seem so sad’ he dropped his hands to clutch the
elastic of Castiel’s pants. ‘Let daddy make you happy baby’ Castiel’s head
dizzied, he’s not used to things changing. He doesn’t like things to change. He
doesn’t want them to. What else did he have to control? ‘No, no, shhh, trust me
angel, it’ll feel great. Now that you’re older. You deserve this.’ He was
naked, this wasn’t new. His father was wrapping his hand around his cock,
pumping like he usually had Castiel do to him. His father had touched him down
there before, but his body had never responded like this; his little prick
swelling at the ministrations. He remembered what his father had done the last
time his member had gotten hard. Castiel panicked, getting up on his elbows and
shaking his head, ‘No, daddy please-’ he was hushed by lips on his, tongue
assaulting his throat, ‘All work and no play makes Castiel a sad boy,’ His
father smirked and moved down, poking his tongue out to run his tongue across
the head of Castiel’s penis, stopping only when Castiel fell back, a moan
spilled from his lips; his tongue continued after that, lapping all the way up
his shaft. Castiel felt heat rise all over his body, coiling deep in his
stomach, making his head spin and there was a niggle feeling in his brain, a
thrumming of pleasure. But he could, too, feel the fear that seeded too, while
he was still able to form his own thoughts; if he enjoyed this, he’d be just
like his father. ‘Wait-I don’t-please’ Castiel was unable to form a coherent
sentence as his father took him in his mouth fully, the tunnel of wetness
agitating his twitching prick more, “Please” he grunted out the word out,
unsure of the meaning, to continue? To stop? His father moved quickly, running
his tongue across his shaft, taking the small child easily, the grunts and
moans coaxed him faster. “Dad…” Castiel meant it as a plead, but it merely
sounded like a desperate whine. Castiel quickly felt himself coming undone, his
legs shaking beside his father’s head, breath coming out in short bursts and
stomach heating up more and more. He could feel it tightening his dick, like he
was going to go to the bathroom, he threw his head back, too clouded to feel
the disgust that lay dormant in him, the suctioning motion feeling as if it’s
pulling something straight out of him. He needed to warn his father, he needed
a bathroom and quickly, ‘D-dad! I-I’m gonna pee!’ He tried to pull away, but
his father held his hips down, going harder until Castiel yelped out and felt
the coiled heat unfurl straight into his father’s mouth. His body shook with
the foreignness of the feeling; thick and sticky, shooting straight out of him.
He threw an arm over his eyes, panting rough, limbs tired with the force of his
trembling. His body vibrated with energy, crackling throughout his skin, blood
rushing back and forth, back and forth. ‘Didn’t that feelso good baby?’ A
smirk, a knowing glint. His father kissed his lips, salty, sticky...him.
Castiel pushed the wonderful feeling from his brain, eyes widened with horror,
curling on his side. He’d enjoyed it. Just like his father. It had felt good.
‘No’ Castiel whispered, wrapping his arms around his stomach and shaking his
head. He could never allow himself to be with somebody after this, could never
allow someone to get close, unless he wanted to hurt them in such a way. He was
a horrible person. He was just like his father.
 
===============================================================================
 
Castiel remembers the first time he’d ever gotten food poisoning. Of course
he’d been sick millions of times before that with his father’s false illnesses,
but he’d never truly been sickuntil then. Michael had just taken over being
their guardian, he was twenty, he was scared, and he suckedat cooking. The food
hadn’t been done enough and Castiel’s stomach had decided to reject it
immediately.
He doesn’t even remember what kind of food it was, just that it felt heavy in
his stomach. Thick and rotted. He’d moaned and groaned, curling up on the
floor, much to brother’s chagrin, until he felt it push back up the way it’d
entered. He had never been sorelieved to puke in his entire life.
Nonetheless, it was the feelinghe ultimately recalls, because that’s exactly
how he felt now. Lying in his bed with Dean on the floor beside him, but it was
Dean’s actions, Dean’s words, all sitting thick and rotted in his stomach.
Castiel wants nothing more than to purge them right then and there. Dean was
supposed to be good. Dean wasgood.
Castiel could feel Dean’s lips on his own, but then they were his father’s,
chapped and heavy. He replays the phantom touch of Dean’s harmless fingers over
and over until his face morphed into something more recognizable.
Father.Castiel shifts under his sheets, peering down at the sleeping face of
Dean until his features became blurred and mixed together.
 
He is sixteen. Nohe is five years old.
 
Castiel can’t remember any more. Why is father on the floor? Castiel is
baffled. When had Dean gotten here?
All of his thoughts and memories smudge together and crash around in his head,
mashing up and remixing. First it was Dean then it was his father. What was
real?
Castiel quickly stands up, stumbling to the bathroom, brushing his teeth two
times. Padding quietly back out, he perches on his bed for only moments before
he returns to the bathroom and brushes his teeth once again; he spits up blood
the fifth time.
He ducks his head away from the mirror as he washes his hands, the water steams
and blisters his palms, but he keeps rubbing them. Back and forth. Back and
forth.
 
‘You should always clean your hands like this Castiel. Five rubs’
 
The next time Castiel finds himself in the bathroom he can’t avoid the mirror,
looking deep into his own eyes, scared of who he is staring at because surely
that isn’t me?He can see stubble growing on his chin, as he frantically reaches
for a razor, smothering his face with cream and making sure he can’t see one
patch.
 
‘We need to get all this nasty hair off that pretty little body Castiel. I
don’t like it.’
 
He hurriedly sets the stick down, dabbing at a cut on his face, he wonders if
his father will want him to shave his cock too. He especially hated hair there.
 
‘You’re growing up too fast baby.’
 
Castiel pokes his stomach, loathe to look directly at his reflection as he
does. He’s gaining weight. His stomach is full of empty promises and decaying
touches. He leans over the toilet and tries to urge himself to vomit them up.
 
‘You’re gaining too much weight. I can’t let you eat for a few weeks angel’
 
Nothing happens. He thinks he hears rustling in his room. Or maybe not.
 
‘Look how big you’re getting down here Castiel! Your cock is so beautiful’
 
He cups the front of his pants, feeling himself through the flimsy fabric, only
catching one more glimpse of himself in the mirror before he’s scribbling over
it with a fat sharpie. Covering it completely with black, the smell making his
head spin. Now he looks at it and sees nothing but darkness. The darkness from
his body. The mirror finally understands him. He feels bad for the mirror. “I’m
sorry.”
He wants to turn the lights on. The lights are on.
 
‘If you spent less time in that damn bathroom we wouldn’t have to do this so
quickly. Now hurry!’
 
Castiel whimpers, his father is waiting for him, he’s taking entirely too long.
“I should hurry” he speaks aloud to the blackened mirror, rubbing his face to
make sure it’s free of hair. His father will expect him to strip and wait for
him on the bed, he cannot be late, lest he wants to upset him. Castiel’s feet
are slippery and the walls around him vibrate as he walks out. He smiles to
himself because he thinks he hears his brothers outside playing. That’s nice.
They deserve to have some fun.
 
‘I know you want to go out with your brothers, but daddy can play with you. You
like when we play Castiel’
 
The room is pitch dark when he finally makes it, which is weird because the
bathroom is inthe room so it shouldn’t have felt like he’d walked the length of
a football field. He stands at the end of his bed and listens to the silent
command. Strip. As if he needs to be reminded. That was always the first rule.
He pulls his shirt off first, lamely folding it and setting it aside, then with
his pants, careful not to wrinkle them. As his flesh hits the raw air he’s
surprised not to feel cold or hot. There’s no distinguishing temperature to be
had, just a strange pulsing that resonates over his flesh. Tingles. He sits on
the edge of the bed waiting for his father to instruct him. Will he want
pictures? 

‘Stay right there, just like that angel. Now smile’
 
Will he want Castiel to touch himself while he watches?
 
‘Spread your legs Castiel, farther so I can see. That’s my boy’
 
Or will he just want to jump right into it, no getting ready.
 
‘Don’t scream. Don’t you dare scream.’
 
Castiel folds his hands in his lap, pondering what they will be doing. What
games they will be playing tonight. It’s taking him such a long time though,
Castiel feels his chest quiver a tad. He shifts his eyes to the floor, the
bodyon the floor.
 
Why is father on the floor?

Sandy hair and freckles assault his vision. Blinding light. Stars.
Galaxies,fill his thoughts. Dean. The sour feeling in his stomach returns,
thick with dead hope. His mind feels like it’s shoving, trying to get rid of
the other side, the two at war with each other. At war with what's real and
what's not.
 
When did Dean get here? Why is father on the floor?
 
The two sides crash violently, causing a terrible ringing to surface and
reverberate throughout his eardrums, causing him to throw his hands over his
ears.
 
Dean is here. Father is coming.
 
He catches flashes of him and Dean’s earlier conversation. He feels an
onslaught of adoration for emerald eyes, twinkling with the essence of heaven
itself. His mind doesn’t allow the incident from earlier to resurface so he
just basks in everything goodthat Dean has done for him, bringing back to
himself how complete Dean had made him feel.
 
‘You’re a mystery Castiel Novak’
 
He can’t stifle the yelp that falls from his lips, shocked, wide eyed, as he
listens to the new voice in his head. Neverhad he heard another voice able to
break through the barriers. He doesn’t hear the rustling of sheets in his
surprise.
“Castiel?” That voice. That voiceagain. But it didn’t sound like it was in his
head any longer, and he whimpers out, afraid it escaped from his ears, never to
return. Don’t leave me alone.
Castiel’s eyes fly open to a figure in front of him, spluttering out noises
that bounce around his ears, but never really enter; he doesn’t realize who it
is in front of him, trying desperately to shake him from his stupor.
Castiel continues to wait patiently for his father until the lamp beside his
bed is flicked on and he’s, too violently, thrust back into reality.
The first thing he perceives is that it’s cold. Freezingactually. His arms are
shaking and his legs feel like they’re paralyzed. The next is how close Dean
Winchester is, his eyes full of worry and confusion. For a moment Castiel
thinks Dean Winchester might be God, looking down on him questionably. His eyes
widen, I’ve been friends with god this whole time?
“Cas man, you’re really scaring me, what’s going on?”
Those are the first real words that make their way into his ears as he shakes
his head before glancing all around. He can hear the crickets chirping, the
windows are blackened; it’s night.He furrows his eyebrows, desperately trying
to listen for his brother’s laughter again. He feels a hand pat his face before
he turns back, looking up at the forest and then down at himself, he’s naked.
“D-Dean?” It’s the first real word he’s spoken in what feels like years, his
tongue is thick and swollen in his mouth as he chokes it out.
“Yeah it’s me Cas. What’s going on? Why are you...naked?” He sounds
embarrassed. He shouldn’t be embarrassed.
 
‘Don’t be ashamed Castiel, stand here, in front of the mirror, look at your
pretty skin’
 
Castiel swallows hard as fingers are snapping in front of his face, “You gotta
stop that Cas, your mind is going somewhere and it’s freaking me out.” Dean
tries to coax him to stay in reality. Castiel feels a pressure on his hand,
looking down to see Dean’s holding it with his own. He doesn’t feel the same
blinding light this time though, doesn’t feel his brightened soul beating its
way into his darkened body, no, he merely feels, content.
“I was waiting for him. Like he asked me to.” Castiel informs Dean plainly,
because he deserves to know the truth. Dean looks around, as if he’s waiting
for someone to burst out of the closet at any moment, nothing of the sort
happens though. “W-Who are you talking about Cas? It’s just us. Nobody else”
Dean squeezes his hand as if to make him feel the words. Castiel swallows
hard. 
 
He is five years old. Nohe is sixteen.
 
Castiel looks into Dean’s green eyes, reallylooks into them, because suddenly
they are the only connection he has to the real world, the only line from what
is fabricated and what is authentic. They’re his lifeline. He cannot look away,
because, if he does, he knows he’d be swallowed back up, that he’d continue
waiting for his father to come until he falls over dead.
Dean looks back with the same intensity, holding his hand as if keeping him
from falling back into the abyss, moving slowly, a blur of lines and sharpened
colors. None of it makes sense. Dean moves around to gather Castiel’s clothes,
not once peeling his eyes away, just returning the gaze, moving his hand away
merely to clutch the articles of clothing.
“I am naked” Castiel states. Dean nods. Castiel feels a part of him redden and
want to recoil back into itself, but that is quickly stuffed away. Dean helps
Castiel put his shirt on, moving his pliant and soft limbs to shimmy into the
shirt, pulling his sweats up to a point and then instructing Castiel to put
them on the rest of the way.
Dean’s hands still send tiny jolts of electricity throughout his deadened skin,
and he can’t help but feel the longing for Dean’s approval wash throughout his
being. Perhaps it’s because he’s sitting on the bed where he had received the
most attention. Perhaps it was the way Dean handled him with such care and
precision, as if he would shatter at the slightest touch. What ever it is,
Castiel relishes in it, tries to focus purely on that.
“There you are buddy. It’s cold. Can’t have you shivering like that again,”
Dean is smiling up at him and Castiel finds his own lips tugging even though he
barely understands the words that spill from his lips. Castiel wondrously looks
Dean over, a thought catching on and spilling from his mouth before he can even
really think about it. But, Castiel’s vision is starting to waver dangerously
and nothing feels particularly real again.
“Are your bones heavy with carrying around the galaxies Dean? What about your
heart? It surely has to get tired from holding the universe Dean.”  
Dean still has that smile on his face, but Castiel thinks it looks sad, he
doesn’t want Dean to be sad. But his lips are too slippery to move and tell him
this sentiment. His bones are missing as Dean guides his body to lay down,
covering him with his quilt and patting his hair.
 
“Sure thing bud. Now get some rest.”
                                       ♢
 
Dean does not sleep for the rest of the night. He sits on Castiel’s bed for a
while, making sure he’s fallen asleep, then tosses and turns, getting up every
hour or so to check on the raven haired boy.
The first thing he feels is shock, shock at seeing Castiel so… unhinged,
speaking and staring into the distance as if not even in his own mind. Then he
felt anger, anger towards himself for quite possibly being the one who pushed
Castiel to such a state, the way he’d stupidly kissed him. And finally sadness,
sadness deep within him that tells him this may not be the first time Castiel’s
acted like this.
Sadness because Castiel isn’t just scared, he is traumatized.
Something had been so horrific that it had literally gone in and rewired the
boys brain, had set up those reactions to things as innocent as a kiss. Dean
closes his eyes trying to will away the onslaught of images, all the things
he’d been missing, like the flinches at physical contact, the way he rushes
through a crowd, how secretive and overprotective his brothers are or really
just the way Castiel’s eyes would go absolutely empty at random times.
 
God,Dean thought, how could I be so stupid?
 
He wishes he could know exactly what has happened to Castiel to leave him so…
shattered, but he knows he would never be able to outright ask him, lest he
want another breakdown like that. He shudders. He hopes he never has to
experience something like that again
He could very well ask Gabriel, but, somewhere inside of Dean tells him that he
might not able to handle the truth. He looks over at the small body on the bed,
feeling his heart beat with affection, with the needto protect as he’d done
with Sammy for most of his life. Castiel had a brilliant light hidden somewhere
underneath all the muck and memories, Dean was sure of it.
He smiles within himself, he was going to try to help Castiel, whatever way he
could, and he was going to get Castiel on the path of healing. But first he
would have to speak with Gabriel.
So he waits until the sun is barely peaking over the horizon, checking on
Castiel one last time before exiting the room and going into Gabriel’s,
snorting when he sees his little brother splayed out over the side of the air
mattress with Gabriel beside him. “Wake up you dunce” he pokes Gabriel with his
toe, making him jerk awake and roll off of the air filled thing, “What the hell
Dean, it’s like” he squints his eyes, looking around, finding the bright red
numbers, “It’s before 9 friggin am if this isn’t good you’re going to wake up
very confused in some alternate dimension the next time you shut your eyes” he
growls, Dean laughs, because what kind of threat is that?
He finishes his laughter and kneels down, Sam still snoring beside them, “No.
It’s about Castiel” Gabriel shoots up, eyes boring into him frantically, “What
is it? Is something wrong? Is he okay?” Dean is taken aback by his reaction,
placing his hand on Gabriel’s shoulders, “Chill man. No. I just wanted to ask
you a few things.” Gabriel seems to visibly relax, sagging on his bed with a
groan, “Deaaaaan, I hate you.” There’s no real malice as Dean laughs,
“Seriously though man, Castiel, what’s wrong with him,” that is not what Dean
had wanted to askat all, but he always had a tendency of vomiting words without
thinking them through, Gabriel eyes shoot open and he growls defensively,
“There’s nothing wrong with him! Shut your mouth! Don’t talk about him like
that!”
Dean shakes his head, “No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! That came out totally wrong…
shit” How could he word this to sound appropriate? “I mean is he like- does he-
fuck- I mean… like” he groans and licks his lips, he’s never been good at these
kind of things. “Did something happen to him?” Very suddenly the room darkens,
Gabriel’s eyes fall and Dean feels too exposed, tension crackles in the air.
Gabriel’s jaw is clenched tight, the way he’s staring at the floor could burn
holes straight through it, he looks angry, but also very sad, and Dean
instantly feels like shit. Of course this would happen if he tried to talk
about feelings.
“I’d like you to let me sleep now Dean. Thank you” Gabriel finally says,
settling onto his bed, turning his back, “But-” Dean starts, but is cut off,
“Please.” It’s desperate, it’s a plea, and Dean can’t help but back out of the
room, shutting the door behind him. Now he’s more curious and confused than
ever, he could try to ask Michael but that might not go over well since he
wasn’t too close with him and Lucifer was totally off limits, Dean remembers
Gabriel telling him how protective he is over Castiel.
Dean ponders as he walks back to Castiel’s room, they didn’t have any parents
that he knew of, Gabriel had always tried to steer the conversation away from
that topic as soon as it was brought up. Dean cursed mentally, how could he
help what he didn’t know? Should he try to ask Castiel? Perhaps it would make
Castiel feel better to talk about it. Maybe Dean could listen and try to help
him through it. 
When he enters the bedroom, he stops at movement, watching as Castiel bunches
up some his sheets and throws them in the closet, his pajama pants changed,
Dean is confused at his actions but chooses to ignore them for now, making a
noise so Castiel would know he entered; he swings around frantically anyway,
his eyes wide with fear but calming a little when seeing it was he. Dean smiled
and sat down on the now bare bed, looking over at him seriously. It was now or
never.
 
“Hey Cas, can I ask you something?”
 
===============================================================================
 
'You are so ungrateful, you little brat. Who are you to deny me anything?’
Castiel cowered on the floor, wedged between their bed and the desk, his entire
body shaking with fear. His father had a bad day at work, Michael and Lucifer
had ganged up on him and to put all the pieces together Castiel had not wanted
to play with any of his toys. Castiel did not like his father’s toys, they were
large and they hurt too bad, leaving him not able to sit for days, not only
that but his father would always croon in his ear, telling him how one day it
would behisdick inside of him. His was so much bigger, Castiel thought it would
rip him right open. ‘You should be thankful for what I do for you Castiel! I
keep you healthy, I keep you safe, I give you my heart. You are ungrateful! You
don’t deserve anything and yet I give you everything!’ Castiel held his hands
over his head, hoping his father would not strike him; he knew he should be
thankful like his father said, but he was justso scared, ‘are you going to say
anything you little shit?’ He knelt down in front of the small boy, anger
radiating from his aura; Castiel felt his throat constrict, ‘I-I’m sorry daddy,
p-please don’t be mad at-’ the force of his hand across Castiel’s face made his
eyes water and body jerk, but he was unable to cry out before he was jerked up,
‘I’ll show you what bad boys get!’ Castiel was marched toward the bed, but
found the fear more overpowering, his father would be so much angrier now,
trying to run towards the bathroom. ‘Don’t. You. Dare. Walk away from me young
man or I’ll make youwish you hadn’t’ his voice was dangerous, his voice
promised pain. Castiel stopped dead on his feet, feeling a hand tighten around
the back of his neck in his lapse, his body forcefully shoved over the slightly
raised footboard; his hands flying out to steady himself as his pants were
literally torn from his body. ‘Please I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ Castiel
sobbed, hiding his face in the crook of his arm as his father held the back of
his neck down, grumbling as he reached inside his ‘special’ box and pulled out
a large sex toy, ‘Ungrateful boy. Such a bad, bad boy.’ Castiel felt tears as
they spilt down his face, he had made the only person who loved him angry with
him. ‘See if you can run away from me after this’ It was challenge, a threat, a
promise. His father raised his bottom to his liking and, without preparation,
shoved the dildo straight into Castiel, smirking at the choked scream that
filled the room, ‘this is what you deserve, Castiel, for being such a bad boy,’
Castiel tried to tell himself that, as he felt it buried to the hilt inside of
him, tried to remind himself that he deserved this for being so ungrateful.
That this was his penance. His father was merely trying to help him. But his
head was filled with nothing but pain as the toy was shoved in and out. ‘You
deserve this Castiel. Do you understand me? I want to hear you say it’ Castiel
is biting down on his lip too hard to respond, that was until the thing was
shoved impossibly deeper and twisted, ‘I said say it Castiel!’ Castiel opened
his mouth a few times before he could form cohesive words, ‘I-I deserve this!’
choked out and small, ‘Why? Tell me why Castiel’ he felt something inside of
him tear, white, hot, burning pain throughout his abdomen; his legs shook
violently. ‘B-because I’m a bad boy! I deserve this because I’m bad!’ His
father mercifully slowed down, stopped with the twisting motions, just pumping
it back and forth for a while longer before just leaving the thick thing inside
him. ‘That’s right. Now I hope you’ve learned your lesson young man’ His father
was knelt beside him, gripping his chin, looking into his watery blue eyes, ‘I
hate punishing you angel’ his voice was gruff, there was no remorse, ‘But I-
I do so much for you, you need to understand.’ Castiel nodded hard, sniffling,
just wanted the large thing out from pressing at the horrible pain. ‘I un-
understand daddy’ the older man smiled, patting his head, reaching back and
taking the toy out, making a strange sound at seeing the thing covered in
blood, ‘shit’ it was muttered but Castiel still felt fear rise within him,
feeling something thick ooze from his bottom, ‘Okay, just, here, lay down, up
here, let me go get a washcloth’ Castiel cried out as he was handled onto the
bed, quickly folding into fetal position, the pain unbearable. He reached back
behind himself, feeling a jolt of pain before bringing his hand back up, dark
with blood. As he heard the footsteps of his father he quickly shut his eyes,
lips moved in a ghost of a whisper, ‘I deserve this. I deserve this.’
Chapter End Notes
     Let me know what you think!
     I'm sorry this chapter isn't that good...its setting up to answer
     some very vital questions. I don't know, I lost a lot of confidence
     after this one...so the next chapter may be a time while I try to
     regain confidence in this again. Apologies.
***** Into The Water Pt. 1 *****
Chapter Summary
     Dean surprises Castiel. Castiel surprises himself. Fluff before the
     storm
Chapter Notes
     Hello friends. First of all, I am extremely sorry for such a late
     update, like I said I had lost so much confidence in this and I also
     started university, so most of my time is dedicated to med school.
     PLUS, I was admitted to the hospital for a couple days but I'm okay.
     I PROMISE I will never abandon this because I'm having too much fun
     writing it. So if you guys promise to be patient I promise to keep
     delivering, even if it takes a bit. Sound like a deal?
     To those of you who are confused, I promise questions will start
     being answered, and the things that seem not to hold importance will
     soon be regarded. SO other than that thanks for reading/waiting/
     reviewing. Love you guys.
     This chapter has some fluff in it because it's about to get pretty
     angsty afterwards. Sorry but not really.
     As always ITALICS contain GRAPHIC child abuse at times. Be advised.
     No Beta so mistakes are made. Please go easy, this chapter was hard
     to write from the hospital.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
===============================================================================
‘ You are growing up so much Castiel, it makes me so sad’ his father commented,
running his hand through the raven hair of the boy sitting in the bathtub.
Castiel drew his knees up, wrapped his arms around them and laid his head to
the side of the tub; he’d never felt so sick in his entire life, surely he was
getting worse. ‘Dad…why am I still so sick?' he asked, but he was pretty sure
he already knew the answer. His father had said he would make him better, but
he wasn’t; deep inside a whisper of a voice accused his father, told him it was
his fault that he constantly felt like this. All the ‘pills’ he’d been taking
that were supposed to help him only made him more nauseous, ‘I know baby boy,
but I promise, you will feel better soon’ he smiled, but the gesture didn't
make Castiel feel better, no, it made him feel icky inside, made his skin
crawl, the feeling scared him. His father had never gave him these kinds of
emotions, he wasn’t supposed to feel this way about the man who loved him so
much. But he couldn’t help but have doubts. To have suspicions. He may have
only been thirteen, but he prided himself on his studies, despite being home
schooled, he was very well educated and he knew, in the back of his mind,
something was off. But he pushed that aside and let his father bathe him,
feeling the way fingers flexed their way through his hair, soaping it up and
massaging, it felt good. He secretly liked times like these, when he didn’t
have to perform anything, just felt loved and reveled in innocent affection
that was merely a hand through his hair or a washcloth scrubbing his arms, but
he knew it wouldn’t last, that his father would want to play soon. After his
father was done washing his body totally clean he handed Castiel a little
razor, smiling down at the boy who looked up at him curiously, ‘Dad?’ The older
man picked up some shaving cream too, squeezing a little on his hand, ‘You’re
getting older Castiel, that means you’ll start growing hair in places, but I
don’t like when you have hair, I still want you to be my little boy, so I want
you to shave’ he instructed, helped him out of the bath and wrapped him in a
towel. Castiel had never shaved before, he wasn’t sure what to do; he hadn’t
even realized it before, but now he could see, just barely, little hairs
growing on his face, it was intriguing. But just as soon as he inspected them
his father was spreading cream on it, taking the stick from his hand and
putting it to his face, dragging it down, gently taking the hair off. Castiel
stood completely still, feeling the blade touch his flesh and not wanting to
get cut, his throat sliced open or something. When his father finished he
patted Castiel’s face dry and smiled, caressed his face a moment and moved
down, holding his neck, reaching down and kissed him, ‘You’re so beautiful
baby. My little boy’ he praised and moved his hands down further, wrapping
around Castiel’s cock, which doesn’t surprise him like it used to. He fondled
him a bit, moving his tongue around in the young boys mouth before stopping a
moment, leaving Castiel worried he’d done something wrong, ‘What dad-‘ his
father stopped him by kneeling down and inspecting his genitals, making a
disapproving noise. ‘I need to shave you down here too, I don’t like when you
have hair down here Castiel, it’s gross, next time I will expect you to do it.
Do you understand?’ he said it angrily and Castiel nodded in agreement, not
understanding his distaste of something that he’d just told him was normal. He
was lathered with shaving cream again and carefully shaved, he was more worried
this time, he really didn’t want to get cut down there with how much his father
insisted on touching him. Castiel stood obediently, thinking about anything but
what was happening, reaching into the back of his head and remembering the time
he’d snuck downstairs and was allowed to play chess with Michael. It was fun.
He had enjoyed it up until Michael had started asking him strange questions
like, what he and father did when they were going to bed or if father ever said
things to him that made him uncomfortable, albeit, he’d never been able to
answer before he was found and marched up to their room. He was pulled from his
trance when his father finished, he dropped the stick in the trash and dried
him. ‘There we go’ he seemed pleased with himself, like he’d just dressed a
doll to his liking, a thought which Castiel quickly pushed from his mind, too
afraid at how true the statement was. How he was malleable and pliant, moved
and submitted whichever way his father expected; he was an obedient child, too
afraid of the repercussion if he didn’t. His father owned him and, Castiel
thought miserably as his father picked out a toy for him, he always would.
 
===============================================================================
 
Castiel’s head buzzed, muddled and disoriented. He vaguely remembers the
breakdown he’d had hours ago, the last tangible remnant of it was felt in the
dizzying pain of vomit sloshing in his stomach.
To make things worse he had actually wetthe bed, something he had stopped doing
when he was thirteen and learned how to control his night terrors. He felt
embarrassed and childish; not only had he wet the freaking bed,but he had done
it with Dean freakingWinchester in the room. Smooth. Real smooth.
He bunched up the soiled sheets and threw them in the closet, intent on
cleaning them later when no one could question it or see; that’s all he needed,
his brothers having anotherreason to hover over him. He works quickly and
quietly, feeling his stomach slowly settling in the calmness.
But, all too suddenly, the silence is broken by a noise causing him to fling
around, relaxing only after he sees it’s just Dean, to which he hurriedly tries
to block the view to the closet.
 
“Hey Cas, can I ask you something?”
 
Oh. God. No. He wanted to scream. No, that was never a good way to start a
conversation; it usually meant he would have to talk about himself, or
something he’d done wrong.
“Uh...sure?” It was a question essentially. Did he want to know?Dean furrows
his brows, pursing his lips, his silence a strong indicator that he was more
conflicted than Castiel felt, which made dread further fill the youngest Novak,
whatever it is, it’s making Dean Winchester worried…
“Have you…” Dean stops, opens his mouth then closes it, “Would you…” Another
fishlike gape, “Did you…” Castiel feels immensely confused, walking a little
closer to the poor boy, “Dean?” He mutters low, questioning.
“Are you…free next Friday? Would you like to go out with me?” Castiel lets out
a whoosh of air when he hears no mention of ‘father’or ‘urinating’and wait a
minute…
 
Did Dean Winchester just ask me on a date? His mind steadily supplies.
 

And all too suddenly Castiel feels the air escape him completely, peeking
apprehensively into the vibrant greens in front of him, “Uh-uh” He has never
been on a date. He has never even been with otherpeople up until school. “Yes?”
He squints and looks at Dean, unsure. The answer seems to be the right one
because Dean smiles brightly, a smile that sent thrums of static coursing
through Castiel’s body, prickling at his nerves and igniting his skin with
flush; a smile that causes Castiel’s own lips to quirk up in a small one.
“Awesome” Dean nods, but it looks as though something is still bothering the
boy, like perhaps that’s not what he had wanted to ask him. But Castiel has no
time to worry about that because his head is immediately swarming with
questions about their…date. Where would they go? What would they do? What was
customary? Would they be going as friends or something…more? Impossible.
Castiel shook his head to get those stupid ideas out, he knows no one would
ever want someone as used and defiled as him. Anyway, who was heto give himself
to someone? For he did not own himself. No. His father made sure of that, even
in eternal absence.
 
“I’ll pick you up around 7, we can catch some dinner. I know an awesome place,
you’ll love it”
 
Castiel nods without really agreeing. He has never been outto eat, he’s rarely
even been outin public; not only that, but it will also be without his brothers
protection. Dean leaves the room before Castiel can change his mind, giving him
no other choice but to just go. Perhaps he would like it. He likes Dean. He
likes being around Dean, more than he’s ever liked being around anyone.
But Dean made him feel differentlynow, when Castiel thought of him he thought
of the kiss and then he thought about his father; even heknew that wasn’t
normal. Yet, on the other hand, the idea of spending the day with Dean made his
insides ignite with excitement, it is something he wants to do, he thinks. Even
though Dean isn’t what he thought he was in the beginning Dean is still, well,
Dean,and he made Castiel feel things he’d never felt before. So, why not go?
 
He nods his head. He will go.
                                       ♢
                                        
Thursday.
 
One more day before Castiel’s date with Dean; he had done tons of research,
reading up on the internet about how to act, what to talk about and what was
appropriate, albeit he still felt extremely nervous that he would screw it up.
He had a tendency to do that; take something simple, overcomplicate it, and, in
turn, make everyone around him uncomfortable. He would need real world advice,
which would mean he would have to talk to Gabriel, who frequently dated.
Building the courage to go and talk to him was another story, he sat on his bed
staring at the wall, willing himself to get up, standing and then sitting again
quickly.
Perhaps he shouldn’tgo on the date. Why would anyone want to go anywhere with
him? Besides that, he’s never been out in public like that, what if he has a
panic attack? Or someone tries to hurt him? What if he gets sick again? He
shakes his head violently, trying to release the thoughts beating against his
skull, they’re starting to sound like his father.
 
‘It’s too dangerous to go out there Castiel. People want to hurt you’
 
No. No!He would go on this date. He was asked for a reason, whatever it was,
Dean wanted to go out with him and that was enough. “I will go” he whispers to
himself or, rather, the voice in his head, “I am not sick. I will be safe.” Now
all he has to do is talk to Gabriel, ask about the essentials and he would be
okay. He will be okay. He nods and exits the room, just letting his feet take
him, finding all of his brothers in the kitchen, for a moment he just stands
behind the frame, watching them as per usual, feeling like a child again.
Watching his father pour a glass of whiskey. Watching Michael do his homework.
Watching the room until it morphed into something unrecognizable. “Cassie? You
okay?” Castiel blinks away his fog and turns toward a confused looking Gabriel.
Now or never, he thinks.
“Gabriel, when going on a date, what is the proper etiquette?” he asks quickly,
sliding into a seat at the table, anxiously watching as Lucifer freezes from
writing and Michael turns around from the stove. Gabriel raises a brow in
surprise, looking Castiel up and down to see if it may be an attempt at dry
humor. It’s not. “Why?” Gabriel smiles a tad to hide his brimming fear; either
Castiel has actually been asked on a date orhe’s having a very strange
breakdown right in front of them.
“I-” Castiel gazes to all of his brothers, who are now focused intently on him,
it makes him nervous. “I may...have a date?” Another mind crushing silence
before Lucifer pipes up, “What are you talking about Castiel? With who? Are you
sure they weren’t just…” He scratches the back of his neck, not sure how to
explain it, worried that someone has asked him out as a joke and he’s taking it
seriously.
“Dean Winchester asked me.” For some reason Castiel feels defensive about their
doubts; it makes him feel inadequate, like perhaps they think such a thing
could never happen to poor, sad Castiel.
Lucifer groans loudly, putting a hand over his face while Michael shakes his
head and turns to Gabriel, “Really Gabe? Can't that kid leave it in his pants?
Targeting people who don’t know any better-” Castiel has rarely ever raised his
voice to his brothers, so his shouting comes as a shock to all of them, “I’m
not stupid!” He sees their surprise and suddenly feels bad about yelling,
looking down at the floor, “Don’t say I don’t know any better. I am not an
invalid and- and I’m old enough to go out with a... friend.”
Silence is heavy for a moment before Michael speaks up, “You’re right- look
you’re right Castiel. You’re perfectly capable of making your own decisions and
if you want to go out on a date with…Dean… then you have my permission,” he
looks like he wants to say something else, but probably thought better of it.
Castiel jumps when Gabriel claps his hand on his back, “Come, I’ll teach you a
thing or two” he has this sly smile, shooting a glance at Michael and Lucifer,
leading Castiel back to his room. Castiel has a feeling he isn’t going to like
what he hears.
 
                                       ♢
                                        
‘Stupid little Castiel. Do you really think someone would ever want you?’
 
“No.”
 
‘I told you. I told you, no one will ever understand you’
 
“I know.”
 
‘No one will ever make you feel like I did’
 
“Please don’t-”
 
“Castiel? Who are you talking to?” Lucifer walks in, looking at the boy in
trepidation, moving slowly, loathe to scare him. It takes him a moment to come
back, the voice in his head dispersing and letting him focus finally. “Luce?”
Castiel sits up from his lying position, peering over at his brother. “Are you
feeling okay Castiel? It’s okay if you don’t feel good. If you wanted I could
call Dean and tell him you don’t feel well enough to-” but Castiel shakes his
head, he has to do this. He has to prove to himselfthat he can do this; that he
can survive without his brothers, that he can do things on his own free will,
that his father could no longer dictate his story.
“Okay. I just, I worry.” Lucifer informs, sitting down next to him on the bed
and smiling, it’s a sad smile. “Don’t be sad Lucifer. Please. I’m sorry,”
Castiel desperately pleads, he hates seeing his brothers sad because of him.
He’s caused them enough grief. Lucifer takes his hand, waiting a moment, making
sure it’s okay to touch before squeezing reassuringly, “Hey-hey now, no need to
apologize. I’m not sad. It’s okay to want to do things Castiel, yo-you deserve
that.” Lucifer smiles down at his little brother, giving him a hug before
informing him of the time and leaving him to get ready.
It takes Castiel a couple tries, but he finally finds an acceptable outfit: a
dark blue shirt, it’s a bit casual but could pass as a slight dress shirt,
paired with a nice pair of black jeans. Gabriel told him not to wear a tuxedo
because Dean never usually did thosekind of dates and it would make him look
toodesperate. Albeit Castiel wasn’t sure whathe would be looking desperate for.
The clock reads seven so he hurries downstairs and waits for the sound of the
Impala, nervously digging his fingernails into his palm and nibbling on the
inside of his cheek. What if something went wrong? What if Dean realized how
irrevocably broken he is? What if-
“He’s here Cassie!” Gabriel gushes, smoothing down Castiel’s hair and pushing
him toward the door, “Remember what I said okay? Be mysterious but also show
him that you’re open. Don’t seem easy though, and if he invites you back to his
house or his Impala early say no. Got it?” He doesn’t wait for a nod, just
opens the door before Dean even knocks, smiling at him before pushing Castiel
forward, “Evening Dean, just remember to have him back before eleven and-”
Gabriel stops a moment, a frown forming on his face, Castiel thinks he might
want to say something about not doing anything inappropriate but, as usual, is
too afraid to mention anything like that around Castiel. “Just… play nice.”
Dean shakes his head with a smile, “Shut up Gabriel, c’mon Castiel, I’m
starving” he smiles and waits until Castiel follows, holding the car door open
for him and quickly moving them on their way. There’s a thick silence in the
car but Castiel’s head is louder than ever before.
                                       ♢
                                        
Castiel walks close to Dean as they enter the diner, observing all of the
people, there are more than he had expected. Families, couples and loners, all
sitting around and chatting amiably. Castiel knows he should feel comfortable,
that these humans would never hurt him, but his father’s voice ricochets
through his head, warning him because maybe he was right.
 
‘Those people out there, they want to hurt you. The only place you’re safe is
here, here with me.’
 
“Cas” Dean smiles, nudging his shoulder a tad and pointing to their table,
which is, unfortunately, right next to a rather large party of people. Castiel
forces a smile, remembering what the internet had said ‘make sure to smile,
show interest’sitting down in the seat that Dean pulls out and watching him
take his own. “Thank you Dean. This place is…” he really does try to hide the
grimace, “Lovely.”
But, he wonders vaguely, could it really be lovely if he had nothing to compare
it to? Would that be a fair assessment? Castiel was about to panic about having
unfair judgements, but is pulled from his head by Dean saying his name slightly
louder, “Cas!” He looks up quickly, there’s a waitress standing before them,
looking at him curiously, “Yes. Oh. Sorry” he shakes his head, peering over at
Dean for explanation, “What would you like to drink?” Dean’s voice is smooth,
he doesn’t sound distraught like his brothers usually do when they find Castiel
recessing in his head, he merely sounds as if he’s trying to gently pull him
from his reverie.
“Tea. Thanks. Sorry” He curses within himself; he can’t even form a proper
sentence! The lady jots their orders down and saunters away, Castiel nervously
rubs his knuckles with his thumb, looking toward the rowdy table next to them
for a moment.
“You do that a lot huh?” Dean asks, leaning on his arm. Castiel thinks for a
moment, looking at him with a cocked head, “Do…?” He feels his face creep red
because now they have to talk about themselves.
“Zone out, take a bit of a vacation up here,” he taps his own head for effect,
Castiel looks down ashamedly, “I-I try not to but… sometimes it makes things
easier” He confesses, and it’s the truth. When he can crawl up into the
blackness of his head he can feel numb for a little while, he can feel safe,
enclosed. His head understood him.
 
‘Get out of your head Castiel, open your damn eyes and look at me.’
 
Stop. Stop.He mentally coaxes himself, he needs to stop, he needs to focus on
Dean, Dean that held the light Castiel had never seen before. But thinking
about Dean too hard and he was back to the kiss, it made him feel sick inside.
He has to try though, he has to try and see what he had seen in Dean before.
Dean was good. Dean is good.
 
“...And that’s why I love this diner so much.” Fuck. Castiel had totally been
ignoring him, but he decides to just smile and nod.
 
Their order is ushered out to them before Dean can ask any more damning
questions, allowing Castiel to just listen to stories about him and his brother
Sam; he enjoys it. Likes to listen to Dean talk about his brother because his
smile becomes wide and infectious, because he, too, knows the love brothers can
hold. He seemingly talks till he doesn’t have any stories left.  
They eat in silence for a while, Castiel taking small bites, his stomach still
doing flip flops in nervousness. The table across from them is becoming
increasingly louder and Castiel cringes every time they grow an octave or throw
something around. Dean watches him closely, seeing the way his face pales and
his eyes dart around nervously, like he’s waiting for someone to attack him.
“Cas, you don’t talk a lot, tell me about yourself” Dean shakes his head,
feeling like a sappy idiot for asking such a thing, but he’s so desperate to
have a conversation and learn somethingabout what makes Castiel  the way he is,
that he would probably do anything.
 
Castiel swallows hard, not really registering what is being said, just watching
the table across theirs and flinching every so often. Dean realizes he won’t be
getting anything out of Castiel in this state so he flags down the waitress.
 
“Excuse me ma’am, can we get these to go?” Castiel hears this, looking up at
Dean bewilderedly, watching as the waitress takes their food and boxes it in
little styrofoam cases.
 
“Dean what are we doing?” Castiel inquires finally, following Dean out the
doors, holding on tight to his food. Albeit being confused, he is relieved,
being away from the rowdy table and the loud noises, finally able to hear his
own thoughts. “You were uncomfortable-” Dean smiles toward him, guiding him to
the car. “Dean you didn’t have-” but Dean holds up his hand and stops him,
“It’s okay Cas, I have a better place we can go.” Castiel feels his lips
twitch, a real smile spreading across his face, a feeling of warmth blooming
throughout his chest. Dean left his favorite diner for him. Dean saw that he
was uncomfortable and wanted to change that. Dean is good.
 
They drive in comfortable silence, they don't haveto say anything, just being
togetherwas enough for the two. For Castiel at least.
 
They drive for a while, Castiel watching as the lights whiz past them and soon
buildings become scarce until, finally, they’re surrounded only by farmland and
forest. “I think you’re really cool Cas” Dean breaks the silence and Castiel
has to process what he said for a moment. Cool. Dean thinks he’s cool. Castiel
is pretty sure that’s a good thing so he just smiles over at him, the setting
sun casting an orange glow that contrasted with Dean's complexion beautifully.
Dean is beautiful. Dean is full of light. “You’re good Dean” Castiel replies
and Dean just smiles like he knewwhatever was going to come out of Castiel’s
mouth he wouldn’t understand. They smile for a moment, Castiel’s eyes linger
for a while longer on Dean’s emerald one’s but,Dean doesn’t look unnerved, he
looks how Castiel feels. Peaceful. So they continue in the comfortable silence.
A few minutes later they arrive at a narrow dirt road, navigating down until
they reach a cleared area and park. Castiel unbuckles and exits quickly,
suddenly remembering what Gabriel had said about leaving and becoming a little
worried. They are close to the woods, surrounded by tree and brush; secluded.
“Hey now,” Dean walks over and touches his chin, surprising the boy, “Don’t
look so nervous. I’m not going to hurt ya” he smiles, but Castiel feels his
insides ice over at the words. He knew Dean didn’t mean anything by them, but
he remembers hearing those same words.
 
‘Stop crying Castiel, I’m not going to hurt you’


It usually did hurt. He stumbles back a tad, staring at Dean, waiting for him
to pounce, but he doesn’t, he just stands there looking confused. “I didn’t
mean to scare you Cas, I’m sorry” He sounds remorseful, Castiel shakes his
head; Dean is not his father. He is safe. He is safe.
“I-I am okay” Castiel tries to convince himself, letting Dean guide their way.
They weave around the brush for what seems like hours before coming upon a
large lake. The water shimmers and glistens with the setting sun; calm, not
even a current upsetting it, just small ripples of fish and other creatures.
It’s beautiful. Castiel looks at the expanse of water in awe.
Dean watches Castielwatch the water with a smile, faltering a bit at what he
sees in Castiel’s expression, like he’s never actually seena lake before, like
it’s the most wonderful discovery he’s ever had.
 
What the hell did the Novak’s do their whole life? He wonders.
 
“Cas. Have you… have you ever seen a lake before?” he asks before he even
realizes it’s spilling from his mouth, sinking back a little just in case
Castiel becomes defensive, but the boy just continues to stare, shaking his
head ‘no’. Now Dean is looking at Castiel in awe, he was an anomaly, truly.
“Man, were you kept inside your whole life?” Dean jokes, trying to break the
heaviness of the moment but, instead, Castiel shifts his gaze, broken from his
reverie; the expression that crosses his face makes Dean ache and immediately
regret saying anything. “Yes. I… I was” Castiel replies in a small voice,
looking back up apprehensively. The elder Winchester has millions of questions
forming in his head but he doesn’t say anything because, if thisis how sad he
looks mentioning just thathe couldn’t imagine trying to delve any deeper at the
moment. He would have to try later. Right now he needed to cheer Castiel up.
Suddenly he gets an idea, “What about swimming Cas? Have you ever been
swimming?” Castiel looks surprised, like he was expecting to get more hard
questions, shaking his head and biting his lip, feeling a bit embarrassed for
the first time about his lack of experience, “No.”
Dean smiles and starts to take off his shirt, “Then I guess I’ll have to teach
you huh?” He feels a bit of gooseflesh rise on his bare torso, nodding and
smiling toward Castiel in encouragement. Castiel, on the other hand, looks
scared out of his wits, stepping back when Dean takes his shirt off, “W-what?
Here? Is that safe?” He asks, looking at the water and then back to Dean who
makes a noise, “Pfft, Cas, who cares if it’s safe. We’re teenagers, nothing we
do is supposed to be safe. It’s awesome I swear, I will be here to help you, I
promise.” Those emeralds are shining with childlike amusement that Castiel
finds a tad infectious, he wishes Dean to smile like that more.
“O-okay” Castiel obliges, nodding his head and watching Dean shimmy out of his
jeans. He truly is handsome, Castiel inspects: his skin is tan, kissed by the
sun with millions of freckles. Muscles are clearly defined and his stomach is
tight and strong. Castiel finds his eyes traveling down, toward the bulge in
his boxers, feeling a thrum of electricity charge through and crackle his skin,
yes,Castiel can definitely say he’s attracted to Dean Winchester.
 
‘You’re mine Castiel. No one will ever make you feel like I can’
 
Castiel jumps at the voice that screams, booming loud in his head. A warning.
Castiel looks away, down at his crooked fingers to bring himself back to,
remind himself of his place. “Your turn Cas,” Dean smiles, unknowing and
Castiel looks up with wide eyes. He, too, has to take his clothes off? “M-my
clothes? Do I have to take them off?” He stammers and Dean chuckles a bit.
“Yeah Cas, unless you want to walk in sopping wet, heavy ass clothes” he laughs
and Castiel swallows hard, “O-okay. Yeah. O-okay” his hands refuse to move for
a moment, only after a bit of coaxing they slowly reach up and pull his shirt
off. He doesn’t undress with the haste he used to, no, this time he moves
languidly, heis choosing to take his clothes off. This was hischoice. Dean
wouldn’t make him if he said no. Dean would understand if he hadn’t wanted to.
His shirt is on top of Dean’s now and Castiel inspects his own pale, scrawny
torso. His ribcage is still a bit jutted out, the skin waxy and stretched over;
he’d been trying to gain weight for a while. For a moment he half expects to
see finger bruises on his hips, but there are none, the only remnants of the
past are thin, pale scars on his hips, something his brothers had put a stop to
very soon.
He takes a moment before he realizes Dean is, too, staring at him and suddenly
a feeling flows through him, something that he doesn’t think he’s ever felt
before. Self-consciousness. He doesn’t want Dean, Dean who is perfect, looking
at him. He isn’t beautiful like Dean. He will never be beautiful.
After another brief hesitation he builds enough courage to take his pants off,
keeping his arms in front of his boxers to shield himself. Dean takes another
moment before he clears his throat and his face shines red, something Castiel
doesn’t understand, but quickly shoves away when Dean grabs his hand, “C’mon!”
He smiles and guides them both toward the lake, stopping at the edge, leaving
Castiel to stare down at the water with new found fear. He’s neverbeen swimming
before, this hits him suddenly, what if he drowns? What if Dean does? He
couldn’t help him.
“Dean I-” He’s scared. He’s really scared. But Dean leans in close, his breath
on Castiel’s neck smelling different than he expects. It’s not stale whiskey
and tainted words, but rather fresh mint and life. “Do you trust me?”
Castiel freezes a moment. Does he trust Dean? He remembers the touches, the
smiles, the cocoon.Everything that made up Dean, it was all extraordinary,
space and star dust beaten into flesh and bone. No matter what Dean had done
Castiel could still feel, surging from Dean’s hand to his, the light inside of
him, perhaps not virtue, not puritybut life, the feeling of not just
existingbut truly being alive.
For the first time Castiel’s life he does, “Yes Dean. I trust you.” Dean breaks
into a wide smile and pulls back, grasping Castiel’s hand and nods, “One… two…
three…” Castiel closes his eyes tight, holds onto Dean’s hand tightly.
 
and they both jump.
 
===============================================================================
                                        
His father was gradually becoming angrier, every day his anger would grow
stronger until it wouldn’t matter how accurately Castiel obeyed, he’d still be
upset with him, would still leave him with bruises and unable to shake the
brutal assault as he usually could. His father was scared, he was scared and
worried and, as per usual, he projected it to anger. Michael was constantly
interrogating him, asking him questions about Castiel and insinuating he knew
that things were happening, although, he knew Michael would never build a case
without actual proof, that he would be too afraid to go to the police for they
had no mother or family and to break up the family would mean to never see his
brothers again; so that wasn’t something he decided to dwell on, rather
Castiel, how much he was breaking, from the inside out. He seemed to be caving
back into himself, back into his mind till he seemed totally vacant when they
would do things, like he wasn’t even there. Castiel knew how to take himself
out of the situation now, if not physically but mentally. Perhaps that was why
his father was angry, angry to get a reaction out of the boy. To make him lash
out emotionally. It’s no fun breaking someone who was already broken. So his
father set forth trying to awaken something inside of the boy again. Castiel
had been reading ‘The Hobbit’ when his father entered the room, although he
hadn’t looked up, so it could have been anyone, but he knew, he could smell the
alcohol and dominance that seemed to radiate off his entirety. Not to mention
the slosh of a bottle in the older man’s hand, which was different, usually he
drank downstairs. Castiel shut the book, pulling out his maths homework and
trying to show his father, ‘Dad look I got the highest sco-’ a hand sailed
across his cheek, ripping the paper in front of him and knocking him back,
confused. Castiel looked up at his father shocked, watching as he pulled a
malicious smile across his lips, taking a small swig. Castiel wondered what had
changed, his father had used to be so loving, so gentle with his touches, but
now it seemed like he couldn’t get enough, like he was hungry for every inch of
Castiel, like he wanted to ravage him and pick his bones clean. The love was
missing and it was purely full of personal gain, his father no longer cared
what happened to him when he was brutal. His ‘I love you’s’ and ‘you’re
beautiful's’ were grunted during blow jobs or beaten into his skin with a fist.
‘Get your ass up on that bed Castiel or god so help you’ Castiel didn’t need
another warning before he scrambled on the bed and lied stock still while his
father crawled up beside him. He gave the young boy a smile that sent shivers
up his spine, ‘Look at you baby’ his voice was slurred, ‘God you’re so fucking
hot.’ Castiel realized how much of an object he was to his father in these
moments, he wasn’t a human, he was a puppet, but he didn’t want to think about
that so he rolled his head to the side, inviting him to do whatever he wanted,
trying to poke back into the darkness of his head, but his father caught on
this time, pulling his head back over. ‘Oh no no. Not this time’ he growled and
suddenly was shoving the bottle of whatever he had between Castiel’s lips,
‘You’re lucky Castiel. You’re lucky I’m not taking you right here on my own
dick, but I am a good father and I am waiting until you are ready. You’re lucky
to have a father as forgiving as me’ he hissed when Castiel spluttered around
the bottle as it was shoved further down his throat, giving him no option but
to swallow it. It was bitter and it burned like nothing he’d ever tasted
before, it was horrible. His father forced him to drink, only stopping whenever
he looked like he was going to puke and then forced him to drink again until
the bottle was empty. Castiel leaned up and coughed when it was thrown aside,
stopping when the room immediately began to spin. It moved quickly, colors
blurred and the walls vibrated; his head was a slosh of water. Just like the
bottle. He blinked slowly to stop the blurring, but it was no use. His father
watched him in amusement; perhaps it wouldn’t stop him from totally being in
his head but it was good for a change of scenery. ‘That’a boy, just like your
old man’ Castiel couldn’t find it in him to even register the words being
spoken to him just felt something bubble up in his chest and suddenly he’s
laughing. He was not sure why but he was, just giggled uncontrollably,
interrupted only with a hiccup. His father could work with this, at least it
was an emotion other than apathy. Castiel felt his clothes being torn from his
body and found no ounce in him to care, nor the fight even if he did. He felt
like he couldn’t hold his limbs up, held down with the weight of the alcohol.
He didn’t even feel his father grabbing him, stroking him hard, that sensation
didn’t go unnoticed though; he writhed up against him, trying to get more
friction to relieve the intense pain and pressure that surrounded his groin, no
longer thinking about how dirty he’d felt last time his father had made him
release. His mind was too hazy, like a fog storm was swallowing his brain up
whole, not allowing anything to penetrate it. The only thing he was focused on
was what little slivers he could feel, because it was frightening, not being
able to feel anything else; even if it was something as grotesque as this, at
least he could feel in control. But the worry of that slowly melted into
incoherence within his drunken state, barely feeling something enter him,
perhaps it was a toy or fingers, he wasn’t sure, just that he felt something
down there and he needed to focus on that because that was real, not the sloppy
mess in his head. So he moved in sync with object within him, not even thinking
about how much he would hate himself in the morning.
Chapter End Notes
     I know this chapter is horrible but please remember I was writing
     this in the hospital and that place seriously puts me in a writing
     damper. Please take that into consideration. I apologize. Pt II.
     coming this week
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